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more to come
Dec. 10th, 2004 07:30 pmLooks like it's a night of just me tonight. Gonna be home without room mate. She's pulling a 12 hour shift, so I'll probably be pretty prolific tonight.... disertations from a disconcerted mind....
Dec. 10th, 2004
This one is about letting go of the past.
I am the most imperfect person I know, but even in those imperfections, I see
the perfection of the universe underlying. The past is the past, and what I
don't see anyone doing or understanding is that even the negative must exist.
It's the rubbing of two stones together that creates a mating. To be angry at
the rubbing together is natural, but it must be an honest anger, devoid of past
baggage, such as "Well, they did this, so you are too.. how typical" Anger is
normal and expected, but it should be kept in it's proper place. Experienced,
dealt with and let go. For myself, I try to let it go quickly, but find it
re-inforced by being around another angry person, expecially when the anger
stems from the same source.
To put away the past is impossible. It is what makes us what we are. To accept
the past as a room we stayed in and walked away from allows us to stand outside
and look through the windows saying "thank god that's over, and what did I
learn from that place?". If the answer is nothing, then there needs to be a
re-evaluation of what the place contained, and what the lesson was meant to be.
In our lives, there are things said, rubbings that didn't quite fit right.
These rubbings have left scars upon the rock of our relationships, and to remove
the scars would be a thing that meant we have learned nothing. What we can do
is to evaluate the scars, see what we've learned and attempt to agree to what
the scars represent to each other, and reach an understanding of the anger that
the scars created. That way the anger, though possibly still there, can be
handled in a healthy way. By saying 'I understand your anger', and meaning it,
takes the scar and makes it a thing that can be handled with less care and put
away.
In my life, women have been both a bane and a blessing. I know
this, and my own personal demons are connected to my past experiences. This
means that a lot of my own insecurities are connected to my feelings of guilt
and lack of understanding and comprehension. In short, my failings created my
demons. When I say "A woman did this to me", I actually mean that I am angry
because of My lack of understanding, and that in reality, I did it to myself.
The statement that nobody can make you do anything is false, but we have the
choice in how we handle what we may be made to do. It's an agreement. A man
with a gun may make me give him my money, but I have to agree to give it to him
so that he won't shoot me. It's the imagined threat that creates the reaction.
We can control the things that hurt us, but we choose not to. Our egos are
taught and constructed in such a way that hurts are a bruise and the ego tends
to LIKE to re-bruise the area, just so they can beat the breast and exclaim 'It
wasn't MY fault!'. Move the ego out of the say and the bruise heals. Remove
the ego, and hurts dissapear. The solution is to become nobody of consequence
and to recognise your only importance is to yourself and your reality.
I have worked to be that person, but as you can tell, I fail. The failing also
dissapoints me, but will not stop me from striving. My own ego tells me that I
am doing better.. ;)
You are who you are, I am who I is. The orbits of our universes mesh and do
not, but we work at it. That's the important part.. the continous work to make
it work.
I am the most imperfect person I know, but even in those imperfections, I see
the perfection of the universe underlying. The past is the past, and what I
don't see anyone doing or understanding is that even the negative must exist.
It's the rubbing of two stones together that creates a mating. To be angry at
the rubbing together is natural, but it must be an honest anger, devoid of past
baggage, such as "Well, they did this, so you are too.. how typical" Anger is
normal and expected, but it should be kept in it's proper place. Experienced,
dealt with and let go. For myself, I try to let it go quickly, but find it
re-inforced by being around another angry person, expecially when the anger
stems from the same source.
To put away the past is impossible. It is what makes us what we are. To accept
the past as a room we stayed in and walked away from allows us to stand outside
and look through the windows saying "thank god that's over, and what did I
learn from that place?". If the answer is nothing, then there needs to be a
re-evaluation of what the place contained, and what the lesson was meant to be.
In our lives, there are things said, rubbings that didn't quite fit right.
These rubbings have left scars upon the rock of our relationships, and to remove
the scars would be a thing that meant we have learned nothing. What we can do
is to evaluate the scars, see what we've learned and attempt to agree to what
the scars represent to each other, and reach an understanding of the anger that
the scars created. That way the anger, though possibly still there, can be
handled in a healthy way. By saying 'I understand your anger', and meaning it,
takes the scar and makes it a thing that can be handled with less care and put
away.
In my life, women have been both a bane and a blessing. I know
this, and my own personal demons are connected to my past experiences. This
means that a lot of my own insecurities are connected to my feelings of guilt
and lack of understanding and comprehension. In short, my failings created my
demons. When I say "A woman did this to me", I actually mean that I am angry
because of My lack of understanding, and that in reality, I did it to myself.
The statement that nobody can make you do anything is false, but we have the
choice in how we handle what we may be made to do. It's an agreement. A man
with a gun may make me give him my money, but I have to agree to give it to him
so that he won't shoot me. It's the imagined threat that creates the reaction.
We can control the things that hurt us, but we choose not to. Our egos are
taught and constructed in such a way that hurts are a bruise and the ego tends
to LIKE to re-bruise the area, just so they can beat the breast and exclaim 'It
wasn't MY fault!'. Move the ego out of the say and the bruise heals. Remove
the ego, and hurts dissapear. The solution is to become nobody of consequence
and to recognise your only importance is to yourself and your reality.
I have worked to be that person, but as you can tell, I fail. The failing also
dissapoints me, but will not stop me from striving. My own ego tells me that I
am doing better.. ;)
You are who you are, I am who I is. The orbits of our universes mesh and do
not, but we work at it. That's the important part.. the continous work to make
it work.
the self and lies we tell it.
Dec. 10th, 2004 10:12 pmBeloveds,
We all believe our worth comes from a single thing. Sex, money, intelligence.
This is nearhuman, and I'm as much at fault as anyone else. I'm finding as I
get older that I'm seeing my intelligence is only a part of it. Spirit is all,
really. Look at the things we value in other folk.. goodness, dependability,
love, kindness.. and then look at ourselves. Do we also not have these
capacities? Are we so shallow of ourselves to think that our worth is only
connected to a single aspect of our multi aspect lives? Are we not a part of
the universe and therefore so folded an origami that it would be near
impossible to unfold us and find the one thing that is the paper of us?
I am no different than you in this aspect, and just as guilty in
believing that my worth is based upon ONE thing. I'm learning that this isn't
true because the Universe has created a situation where that one thing cannot
save the ones I love. So I turn to other aspects and find that I'm more than I
ever considered. So are you. So are all others on this planet.
There is a loved one who is a person who believes her past. She has problems believing her
future, and does not want to believe her present. when I speak of her, I
speak of all of us.
She doesn't anger me, any more than I anger me. She is another aspect of
me, as I am one of her, as we are aspects of you. Think on this.
I know an angry young man and he is trying to find his one thing. He is looking at
different lies in search of the truth. Unfortunately, the world we have
created allows us to continue to believe our past, try to ignore our present,
and not accept our future. He is not lost, he is searching. He will be
successful, sadly, and find the ONE thing that he believes makes his worth,
rather than the multitude of aspects that make up him, and makes him part
of everything, of the Universe.
For the one that started loved one on her road.. It's hard to say. Everyone has a
teacher at some point. Multiple teachers, in fact. The lessons that ring
truer to us are generally the ones that touch our greatest guilt. We believe
the guilt and use the lessons we're taught to enhance that guilt to the point
that finding absolution becomes our ONE true thing. For me, it's that I'm not
smart enough, rich enough, good enough to get out of a jam. It's the "Save me"
principle where I fear saying "I can't".
It's my being able to fix things.. that's my ONE thing. Somethings I just
can't fix.. this is what I'm learning. Now .. accepting.. that's a different
matter.
We all believe our worth comes from a single thing. Sex, money, intelligence.
This is nearhuman, and I'm as much at fault as anyone else. I'm finding as I
get older that I'm seeing my intelligence is only a part of it. Spirit is all,
really. Look at the things we value in other folk.. goodness, dependability,
love, kindness.. and then look at ourselves. Do we also not have these
capacities? Are we so shallow of ourselves to think that our worth is only
connected to a single aspect of our multi aspect lives? Are we not a part of
the universe and therefore so folded an origami that it would be near
impossible to unfold us and find the one thing that is the paper of us?
I am no different than you in this aspect, and just as guilty in
believing that my worth is based upon ONE thing. I'm learning that this isn't
true because the Universe has created a situation where that one thing cannot
save the ones I love. So I turn to other aspects and find that I'm more than I
ever considered. So are you. So are all others on this planet.
There is a loved one who is a person who believes her past. She has problems believing her
future, and does not want to believe her present. when I speak of her, I
speak of all of us.
She doesn't anger me, any more than I anger me. She is another aspect of
me, as I am one of her, as we are aspects of you. Think on this.
I know an angry young man and he is trying to find his one thing. He is looking at
different lies in search of the truth. Unfortunately, the world we have
created allows us to continue to believe our past, try to ignore our present,
and not accept our future. He is not lost, he is searching. He will be
successful, sadly, and find the ONE thing that he believes makes his worth,
rather than the multitude of aspects that make up him, and makes him part
of everything, of the Universe.
For the one that started loved one on her road.. It's hard to say. Everyone has a
teacher at some point. Multiple teachers, in fact. The lessons that ring
truer to us are generally the ones that touch our greatest guilt. We believe
the guilt and use the lessons we're taught to enhance that guilt to the point
that finding absolution becomes our ONE true thing. For me, it's that I'm not
smart enough, rich enough, good enough to get out of a jam. It's the "Save me"
principle where I fear saying "I can't".
It's my being able to fix things.. that's my ONE thing. Somethings I just
can't fix.. this is what I'm learning. Now .. accepting.. that's a different
matter.
