My feet hurt

Once again, I have that feeling of standing on the Nightside Cliff. The nightside cliff means a different thing everytime I visit it. Tonight I am just standing, watching guard. The village below me is quiet, and I an sense movement. Quite movement from house to shed, or a sleeper turning in their beds. Some times the quick, hot passion of lovers as they merge and separate. Sometimes the hotter, but not so quick passion of lovers as they argue.

It's an odd feeling to be trapped inside of your own head. I can, if I have the wont, to dislodge and travel, to see things and hear things that are not near me. The price is high, and leaves me with the feeling of.. false superiority. My ego is large enough as it is, and fragile. It doesn't need it's shell stretched further to the near breaking point by my wildness.

I have many imaginings about myself.. the least of which is my ability to overcome anything. I'm a fixer. I fix things. That's what I do. I have found that, in time, anything that I have difficulty fixing immediatly will be fixed all by itself given time. There are folks out there that I've tried to fix. Folks whose parts become bent or broken, and it's my nature to want to fix it, to make it whole, pure, better. It doesn't always work that way. I have found folks that don't really need fixing, because they want their parts to be just the way they are, thank you very much. And still I feel the desire to fix them.

My brother Sam calls this the "White Knight" complex. I come riding up, see an evil, say "Ah Ha, Ah Ho", draw my sword, or wand, or whatever I have at the moment, wave or smite as the situation requires and ride off feeling all sorts of smug at what I have done, secretly hoping that someone was watching so they could say "Thanks, Masked Man", and I could say "Not a problem, son. All in a day's work"

There are those that I have aided that have gone on and done incredible things with their life. There are those whose life pretty much stayed the same, only more so.

Usually I find myself standing on the Nightside Cliff when I'm not so sure what to do. There are parts of me that know that I will be pretty much alone all my life, because that's how I work better. There are parts of me that desparately want to find someone to be with, at least for part of the time, just to keep the darkness at bay.

I have found a few folks in my life recently that just interest the hell out of me. The part of me that wants to sit in the cave, light the incense and just be, expanding and all knowing, push me away, and tend to have me create tales and fancies designed especially to drive normal folk screaming into the light. The other part dispises the loner side and wants nothing more than to be held and told it will, really will, be all right.

Wheat side and sweet side.

There are times when I feel loneliness more than anything else, and it's not aways a bad thing. Loneliness has a flavor all it's own. There's a nagging gnaw that eats at the heart determined to break out and find someone, anyone to relate to. There a stubborn side that relishes in the strength shown by not going out and finding someone, anyone. It's determined to wait, to see who come here, to me. I feel that's the only way it would possibly work, for someone to find ME for a change and be determined, as much as I am, to have something that makes ME feel comforted.

I gave an old new friend the wrong impression the other night. The impression is that I pretty much expect women to just be my friend simply for the things that I can help them with. That I expect all relationships to end up with my being needed and tossed away when I'm not.

Perhaps the things I've gone through have created the wrong impression in me. Maybe I'm looking for someone that is so independant that they don't need anything, that there's nothing to fix. Of course, why would I want that, though. I'd be out of a job.

yeah, I'm whining a bit tonight, I guess. Recon I'll quit for a while. Tomorrow is another day.

The Nightside Cliff awaits..

I really dislikes Insomnia

However, it's enabled me to almost finish an incredibly good book. Fool's Errand. I recommend it. Wanna know who wrote it? Look it up, dammit.... you have the whole internet. Not quite as lonely. I think I must have felt something in the flux. It is, after all, a new moon. Witching moon to those that don't know.. sheesh.. Educate yourselves!! Learn EVERYTHING. How the hell else can you call yourselves human?

Lonliness of the soul

It may be another night of Standing on the Nightside Cliff. I don't know. Time will tell, the night is still young, but the sun is going down.

I have come to terms with something important. Bout time, as it only took me 39 years to get here. Of all the things I have ever been.. friend, lover, husband, support and wizard, the one thing that has always run constant in me is the sense of that I am alone.

Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. When I left Linda, a burden of guilt I will always bear, I spent quite a bit of time alone. Soul searching, examining my true self, basically beating me till I couldn't stand to beat myself any more. The loneliness, which is quite different from being alone, was something that faded to a dull ache in my head and heart. It still comes back on occasion, especially during the holidays. It is like an old obnoxious friend that shows up when least expected, stays longer than you want, and leaves taking some, but not all of your favorite silver. Loneliness is something I think we all have and will always carry with us, no matter who we have around us. It is the experience of not being connected .. to not recognizing we already are connected, or refusing the connection. It is a very NearHuman thing to be and feel. I recognize that in me, and even so, I still occasionally whine about it, though I will deny that I whine at all. See last nights post for proof.

Being alone is something that I've had with me since I first started on this path, many, many years ago. Some of you know about my early life. How I started to do self meditation when I was about 7 or 8. About how I dove so deep into me, that I found what I believe to be my core self, and how saddened I was and appalled I was to find it completely black except for one tiny spot. This is a very old story of mine, very true, and is one of my core elements. The concept of damnation and redemption, of almost finding redemption and losing it cause by my own damnation of myself.

I suspect it's very much the same for many, if not all, of everyone else.

Being alone is not a bad thing, as I've said. It's just a thing, a tool. It what is done with the tool that is important. To wallow in the being alone, to look at it as a sad thing and dwell upon it is the danger. It's very easy to do, by just giving in to the concept that we deserve to be alone, from whatever font of guilt we have. Guilt is the killer. It takes a simple tool, like being alone, and turns it into soul poison, when in reality, it is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

In being alone, we have TIME for ourselves. We can dress as we wish, we can speak as we wish, we can sing and dance and not feel the fear of being a fool. We can be brave, we can be cowardly and only feel the repercussions that we assign to to the act. Being alone we can be as incredible as we know we are in our secret hearts we never share, or be as mundane as we feel we must. It is OUR time, and our time alone.. no pun intended.

Loneliness is a result of losing the connectivity with all there is. To losing the connection to everyone and everything and not realizing that we don't have to be lonely. There is always a connection. There is always someone out there that will say "Dammit, I heard you all the way over here", without actually hearing a word. Even as children, we had someone that would say "I was just thinking about you". Know you this. Right now, there is someone that is thinking about you, regardless of who you are, where you are, and what you are doing. You are important enough that you exist in the thought of someone. Nobody is every truely alone, because your echo exists in the mind and heart of someone. It is the nature of our nature to impress and be impressed. You exist.

This is not to say that you can just walk up to a total stranger and rid yourself of loneliness. It can be done, but there are dangers, of course. They have their own set of reality, and it may not mesh with yours. No, to deal with loneliness, you have to be able to deal with being alone. To deal with being alone, you must experience it enough to recognize it for what it is, the tool it is intended to be.

I am a Solitary, I believe. I mesh with other folk, I enjoy their company, I even get connected and addicted to them. but I still believe that I am a Solitary and that is an important concept. To me, it means that I do most of my work alone, in my mind and in my heart. I believe this is why, in the end, I sabotage every relationship I've been in. Part of it may be that I feel un-deserving, but I'm beginning to understand that I'm not un-deserving. In fact, I am beginning to believe that my sabotage is due to an even larger thing.. that it's my way of correcting my errors of path and helping me back to my truths, which are mine and mine alone.

This is not to say to friends "I'm in need of company", instead it's to say to those that question and wonder "Do not worry about me. I'm where I need to be". The recognition of this in me means I may be quieter, more introspective than I have been in the past. I'm looking for my truths again. I'm feeling a connection to everything, and trying to sort out that which is important from that which is not. Once again, I'm becoming me.

Love to all, Blessing be, and Be well
Rev CjB
House of The Singing Waters