Lonliness of the soul
Dec. 11th, 2004 05:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joegodaIt may be another night of Standing on the Nightside Cliff. I don't know. Time will tell, the night is still young, but the sun is going down.
I have come to terms with something important. Bout time, as it only took me 39 years to get here. Of all the things I have ever been.. friend, lover, husband, support and wizard, the one thing that has always run constant in me is the sense of that I am alone.
Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. When I left Linda, a burden of guilt I will always bear, I spent quite a bit of time alone. Soul searching, examining my true self, basically beating me till I couldn't stand to beat myself any more. The loneliness, which is quite different from being alone, was something that faded to a dull ache in my head and heart. It still comes back on occasion, especially during the holidays. It is like an old obnoxious friend that shows up when least expected, stays longer than you want, and leaves taking some, but not all of your favorite silver. Loneliness is something I think we all have and will always carry with us, no matter who we have around us. It is the experience of not being connected .. to not recognizing we already are connected, or refusing the connection. It is a very NearHuman thing to be and feel. I recognize that in me, and even so, I still occasionally whine about it, though I will deny that I whine at all. See last nights post for proof.
Being alone is something that I've had with me since I first started on this path, many, many years ago. Some of you know about my early life. How I started to do self meditation when I was about 7 or 8. About how I dove so deep into me, that I found what I believe to be my core self, and how saddened I was and appalled I was to find it completely black except for one tiny spot. This is a very old story of mine, very true, and is one of my core elements. The concept of damnation and redemption, of almost finding redemption and losing it cause by my own damnation of myself.
I suspect it's very much the same for many, if not all, of everyone else.
Being alone is not a bad thing, as I've said. It's just a thing, a tool. It what is done with the tool that is important. To wallow in the being alone, to look at it as a sad thing and dwell upon it is the danger. It's very easy to do, by just giving in to the concept that we deserve to be alone, from whatever font of guilt we have. Guilt is the killer. It takes a simple tool, like being alone, and turns it into soul poison, when in reality, it is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
In being alone, we have TIME for ourselves. We can dress as we wish, we can speak as we wish, we can sing and dance and not feel the fear of being a fool. We can be brave, we can be cowardly and only feel the repercussions that we assign to to the act. Being alone we can be as incredible as we know we are in our secret hearts we never share, or be as mundane as we feel we must. It is OUR time, and our time alone.. no pun intended.
Loneliness is a result of losing the connectivity with all there is. To losing the connection to everyone and everything and not realizing that we don't have to be lonely. There is always a connection. There is always someone out there that will say "Dammit, I heard you all the way over here", without actually hearing a word. Even as children, we had someone that would say "I was just thinking about you". Know you this. Right now, there is someone that is thinking about you, regardless of who you are, where you are, and what you are doing. You are important enough that you exist in the thought of someone. Nobody is every truely alone, because your echo exists in the mind and heart of someone. It is the nature of our nature to impress and be impressed. You exist.
This is not to say that you can just walk up to a total stranger and rid yourself of loneliness. It can be done, but there are dangers, of course. They have their own set of reality, and it may not mesh with yours. No, to deal with loneliness, you have to be able to deal with being alone. To deal with being alone, you must experience it enough to recognize it for what it is, the tool it is intended to be.
I am a Solitary, I believe. I mesh with other folk, I enjoy their company, I even get connected and addicted to them. but I still believe that I am a Solitary and that is an important concept. To me, it means that I do most of my work alone, in my mind and in my heart. I believe this is why, in the end, I sabotage every relationship I've been in. Part of it may be that I feel un-deserving, but I'm beginning to understand that I'm not un-deserving. In fact, I am beginning to believe that my sabotage is due to an even larger thing.. that it's my way of correcting my errors of path and helping me back to my truths, which are mine and mine alone.
This is not to say to friends "I'm in need of company", instead it's to say to those that question and wonder "Do not worry about me. I'm where I need to be". The recognition of this in me means I may be quieter, more introspective than I have been in the past. I'm looking for my truths again. I'm feeling a connection to everything, and trying to sort out that which is important from that which is not. Once again, I'm becoming me.
Love to all, Blessing be, and Be well
Rev CjB
House of The Singing Waters
I have come to terms with something important. Bout time, as it only took me 39 years to get here. Of all the things I have ever been.. friend, lover, husband, support and wizard, the one thing that has always run constant in me is the sense of that I am alone.
Being alone is not necessarily a bad thing. When I left Linda, a burden of guilt I will always bear, I spent quite a bit of time alone. Soul searching, examining my true self, basically beating me till I couldn't stand to beat myself any more. The loneliness, which is quite different from being alone, was something that faded to a dull ache in my head and heart. It still comes back on occasion, especially during the holidays. It is like an old obnoxious friend that shows up when least expected, stays longer than you want, and leaves taking some, but not all of your favorite silver. Loneliness is something I think we all have and will always carry with us, no matter who we have around us. It is the experience of not being connected .. to not recognizing we already are connected, or refusing the connection. It is a very NearHuman thing to be and feel. I recognize that in me, and even so, I still occasionally whine about it, though I will deny that I whine at all. See last nights post for proof.
Being alone is something that I've had with me since I first started on this path, many, many years ago. Some of you know about my early life. How I started to do self meditation when I was about 7 or 8. About how I dove so deep into me, that I found what I believe to be my core self, and how saddened I was and appalled I was to find it completely black except for one tiny spot. This is a very old story of mine, very true, and is one of my core elements. The concept of damnation and redemption, of almost finding redemption and losing it cause by my own damnation of myself.
I suspect it's very much the same for many, if not all, of everyone else.
Being alone is not a bad thing, as I've said. It's just a thing, a tool. It what is done with the tool that is important. To wallow in the being alone, to look at it as a sad thing and dwell upon it is the danger. It's very easy to do, by just giving in to the concept that we deserve to be alone, from whatever font of guilt we have. Guilt is the killer. It takes a simple tool, like being alone, and turns it into soul poison, when in reality, it is perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.
In being alone, we have TIME for ourselves. We can dress as we wish, we can speak as we wish, we can sing and dance and not feel the fear of being a fool. We can be brave, we can be cowardly and only feel the repercussions that we assign to to the act. Being alone we can be as incredible as we know we are in our secret hearts we never share, or be as mundane as we feel we must. It is OUR time, and our time alone.. no pun intended.
Loneliness is a result of losing the connectivity with all there is. To losing the connection to everyone and everything and not realizing that we don't have to be lonely. There is always a connection. There is always someone out there that will say "Dammit, I heard you all the way over here", without actually hearing a word. Even as children, we had someone that would say "I was just thinking about you". Know you this. Right now, there is someone that is thinking about you, regardless of who you are, where you are, and what you are doing. You are important enough that you exist in the thought of someone. Nobody is every truely alone, because your echo exists in the mind and heart of someone. It is the nature of our nature to impress and be impressed. You exist.
This is not to say that you can just walk up to a total stranger and rid yourself of loneliness. It can be done, but there are dangers, of course. They have their own set of reality, and it may not mesh with yours. No, to deal with loneliness, you have to be able to deal with being alone. To deal with being alone, you must experience it enough to recognize it for what it is, the tool it is intended to be.
I am a Solitary, I believe. I mesh with other folk, I enjoy their company, I even get connected and addicted to them. but I still believe that I am a Solitary and that is an important concept. To me, it means that I do most of my work alone, in my mind and in my heart. I believe this is why, in the end, I sabotage every relationship I've been in. Part of it may be that I feel un-deserving, but I'm beginning to understand that I'm not un-deserving. In fact, I am beginning to believe that my sabotage is due to an even larger thing.. that it's my way of correcting my errors of path and helping me back to my truths, which are mine and mine alone.
This is not to say to friends "I'm in need of company", instead it's to say to those that question and wonder "Do not worry about me. I'm where I need to be". The recognition of this in me means I may be quieter, more introspective than I have been in the past. I'm looking for my truths again. I'm feeling a connection to everything, and trying to sort out that which is important from that which is not. Once again, I'm becoming me.
Love to all, Blessing be, and Be well
Rev CjB
House of The Singing Waters
