Mar. 17th, 2004

joegoda: (Default)
It's a day when I feel like there is no one in my room to carry a candle for me. It's a sad and lonely time, sitting here with my houseguest (who is gone in 1 1/2 weeks! Thanks god) To folks in my life that I love:

If I could, I'd build a bridge to you, from my heart to yours, from your arms to me. If I could, I'd cross the distance between us with a song of contrition and a word of love on my lips. If I could change the world, it would change for you, and if I could change the world, it would change for me. If I could build a bridge, I would.

Just a lil poem. What's causing me to be so low tonight? I'm feeling lost in the world because I think my confidence has been shattered. I'm feeling alone because for 6+ years I was surrounded, just about every day, by folks that praised me and liked me and I knew would walk across fire if I led the way.

This job that I took.. it's an ok thing.. but so many unknowns! I'm just a lil Cancer boy, and unsettled things, no matter how adventurous tend to make me.. hesitant. Or make me crazy.. or make me depressed.. NOW I can tell that I'm bordering on depression, if not walking in the desert of it. Not suicidal I think I'll consider the To Be or Not To Be sort of depression, but the sort that just makes me kinda blah, to quote a dear loved one.

I submitted an online app for HomeDepot. Right now, any job that would be with a company that had lasted for more than 3 years, offered some sort of security, and paid more than 10 dollars an hour would be a good thing. Yes, I'm a bit frightened.

It was my anniversary yesterday. 20 years. I didn't have a way, and I didn't have the time to actually touch the face of my wife and say "Happy anniversary". Granted, we have one of the oddest marriages. She lives in Eureka Springs, I live in Tulsa. It's a very long story, and most folks know it, but somehow, even our dearest friends probably don't quite understand it all. For that matter, I suspect we don't either. Not entirely. But then again, I also don't think we spend a lot of time thinking about it. I love her, and I always will. She's my longest, best friend, has put up with me in more ways than are possible to describe. Like I told her, even though we aren't together, if it hadn't have been for us loveing each other, we would not have been able to survive all that we have, as well as we have. Even amidst the anger and the tears during the time I went crazy, she supported me best as she could. She's taken a hell of a lot of abuse and still she loves me. I don't deserve that sort of love. But damned glad it's there.

I know I'm just having 2nd day jitters.. I'm terrified if my brain just doesn't hold the capacity I need. The experience will be wonderful if I survive. I just feel like the Vice President who has been demoted to Janitor.. and sometimes I think the Janitor is the better job. But .. then again....

I'll get over it.. It will take about a week. I think I need to run away this weekend, since it's going to be nice. I'm not sure where I want to go right now.

Enough of my sad rambling.....

till next time,
Chester Beebe
House of the Singing Waters


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