![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joegodaAs I sit here alone in my apartment, I tend to reflect upon many things during this time of year. I tend to think almost all the time, and I think the only time I have ever stopped thinking was when I was passed out from some silly thing I did. Nope, not alcohol... I've never been that far gone into my cups, and will probably never be.
Regardless, I reflect. Most of the year I spend deflecting, but that's a whole 'nother kettle of corn altogether. And although this may seem a sad post to some, it truly isn't.
You see, even though I sit alone, and there are times when I wish I hadn't made that insane jump to walk out on my 13 year marriage (and I'm still married to the same person... I just don't live there), I realize that the journey I started back in 1997 was for a reason, as all journeys are. We just may not know what that reason is for a very long time.
I have, and I probably always will, feel to be an absolute monster for leaving. My wife is not a bad person... in fact, she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. The reasons are many and varied for why I left, and there are those who may know some of them, but nobody, not even me, knows them all. Let's just say I had to leave in order to save the friendship, and leave it at that.
As to why I'm still married, there are also many and varied reasons and excuses. And there is a difference, you know, between an excuse and a reason. My favorite excuse is that I would never want to subject another human being to me for an extended period of time. There may be some truth to that, regardless of the argument against it my friends and loved ones may make.
The reasons for my leaving are deep and psychologically and physiologically based, and would take more time than I care to spend. Besides, they all sound incredibly noble and stuff (except for the stupid ones), and I know I'm really not that kind of person.
NOW, having said that (it's called the background, by those of us who brag about being writers), at times like this, the Holidays - with a capital H - I tend to reflect on the past, the road I've chosen, the road I'm on, and the lessons that I've learned.
I also get... lonely. But that's curable. I have folks that I can send a text message to, or make a phone call to, and say "Hey... can I come over? Just for a bit?" And while that is wonderful, and I know that they would say "Of course, silly. I don't know why you ask.", I will have to, eventually, load myself into my automobile and drive the distance back to my little apartment.
It's one of the reasons I tend to not leave my apartment very often or show up late at parties and such. It's not the leaving my safe, warm cave - my fortress of solitude, if you will. Even though I may hem and haw and shuffle my feet and grumble at the invite, I'm secretly please and honored that someone actually thinks about me enough to say "Come along, you old hermit... time to stretch your socially retarded sea legs!"
It's the returning back to that cave that is the harder part. The knowing that, when I wake up in the morning, I'll roll over in my bed, look at my alarm clock, and groan as I swing my legs over the side, and stumble out to the kitchen to make coffee. And I'll be doing it alone.
Keep in mind, dear reader, that this is NOT a sad post! It is NOT, really and truly true.
There are those of us, and you can argue your point all you want, and I promise you I will nod and smile and let you make every single one of your valid points, but there are those of us who are supposed to be alone for most of our lives.
WE think better, we sleep better, and we live our lives better. AND, and, and... this is an important AND, we can share ourselves better.
Granted, and I'll give you this, there is nothing that says we can't share ourselves with others while we are attached, in a relationship type of sense, to another person. There are thousands that do it, every single day. The ones I love most, those incredible people who pull me out of this batcave, are those that can share themselves with the entire world, and they do it while in a marriage or an engagement or simply during dating.
Not so much me, I don't think. When I focus on a person, I tend to really, truly focus. If the person means that much to me, then everything else can fall away, and the universe becomes just me and one other.
When alone, I can focus on everyone, and I kind of mean that in a literal sense. If we have met, face to face, I can promise you that you enter my mind at least twice or three times a day. Usually I just reach out and tap you on the shoulder, just to make sure you're all right, and then I move onto something else shiny in my mind that distracts me. If we have never met, but have chatted, even a little bit, here on LJ or elsewhere, then you don't show up quite as often, but you do show up, you are noticed, and you are recognized.
When alone, I can write... I can create stories and bits that just flow from me like water. When alone, I don't have to plan my day around anyone else but me, and I'm just selfish enough to say that I like that part of the world.
While alone, I have found myself on incredible adventures and meeting marvelous people that I would never, ever have had the chance if I hadn't started on this journey. I would never have reached the conclusion that there are people in the world that genuinely care about each other, and work out their issues and situations. I would never had spent the time to get to know ME.
Now, I may say I'm a monster, but that is just a tiny, tiny portion of a heart that has grown larger with ever day. No, don't try to dissuade me from it. It is a necessary part of me. It is the part that keeps me searching for redemption, that part that keeps me humble, and the part that keeps me wanting to reach out and listen and help others when they need it. It's a part of myself that, while not exactly comfortable with, I have come to appreciate that part for what it is and what it is useful for.
I am also an incredibly good person, and this is inspired by the other incredibly good people that I have been exposed to. I would like to think that I would have been a good person regardless, but one never knows. I come from an interesting childhood and family background. I suspect it could have gone either way.
Here's the gist: I envy you out there. Those of you that have family around you that you love and cherish. I envy every single thing you do together and I read them with wonder and love and affection. I'm not jealous of you, not in the least. It's the same envy I have of Olympic runners and swimmers. It is simply not something I believe I was destined to do. Like regrowing my hair, I'm okay with it. Doesn't mean I don't wish, sometimes, tho.
Make sure you let those who you wake up with and to that you love them, if you do. Make sure that they understand that they are part of your journey, and you are part of theirs, and you make that trip willingly, even if the road gets a bit bumpy from time to time. It's important. Really... it is.
So, on this Christmas day, I am blessed and I am gifted with knowing incredible people and with being on this amazing journey of self-knowledge and understanding. I am loved and, I believe, cherished in a way I could never have been had I not been alone. There are loved ones and family members from one end of the country to the other, and from top to bottom. I do and truly, really, really believe that the greatest gift I have been given came at a bit of a price. It's a price that I willingly pay, because the rewards are greater than I could have ever imagined.
The greatest Christmas gift I ever received was that of an open heart. My own. And to those of you who gave that gift to me (Which pretty much covers everyone who reads this, I think), my eternal love and gratitude for allowing me to find that gift on my own and even unwrap it without anyone making fun of the way I sometimes tear the paper.
I love you all, and you know what? I feel it when you love me back and it warms this old monster heart of mine right up. Ain't that just so cool?
Regardless, I reflect. Most of the year I spend deflecting, but that's a whole 'nother kettle of corn altogether. And although this may seem a sad post to some, it truly isn't.
You see, even though I sit alone, and there are times when I wish I hadn't made that insane jump to walk out on my 13 year marriage (and I'm still married to the same person... I just don't live there), I realize that the journey I started back in 1997 was for a reason, as all journeys are. We just may not know what that reason is for a very long time.
I have, and I probably always will, feel to be an absolute monster for leaving. My wife is not a bad person... in fact, she is one of my oldest and dearest friends. The reasons are many and varied for why I left, and there are those who may know some of them, but nobody, not even me, knows them all. Let's just say I had to leave in order to save the friendship, and leave it at that.
As to why I'm still married, there are also many and varied reasons and excuses. And there is a difference, you know, between an excuse and a reason. My favorite excuse is that I would never want to subject another human being to me for an extended period of time. There may be some truth to that, regardless of the argument against it my friends and loved ones may make.
The reasons for my leaving are deep and psychologically and physiologically based, and would take more time than I care to spend. Besides, they all sound incredibly noble and stuff (except for the stupid ones), and I know I'm really not that kind of person.
NOW, having said that (it's called the background, by those of us who brag about being writers), at times like this, the Holidays - with a capital H - I tend to reflect on the past, the road I've chosen, the road I'm on, and the lessons that I've learned.
I also get... lonely. But that's curable. I have folks that I can send a text message to, or make a phone call to, and say "Hey... can I come over? Just for a bit?" And while that is wonderful, and I know that they would say "Of course, silly. I don't know why you ask.", I will have to, eventually, load myself into my automobile and drive the distance back to my little apartment.
It's one of the reasons I tend to not leave my apartment very often or show up late at parties and such. It's not the leaving my safe, warm cave - my fortress of solitude, if you will. Even though I may hem and haw and shuffle my feet and grumble at the invite, I'm secretly please and honored that someone actually thinks about me enough to say "Come along, you old hermit... time to stretch your socially retarded sea legs!"
It's the returning back to that cave that is the harder part. The knowing that, when I wake up in the morning, I'll roll over in my bed, look at my alarm clock, and groan as I swing my legs over the side, and stumble out to the kitchen to make coffee. And I'll be doing it alone.
Keep in mind, dear reader, that this is NOT a sad post! It is NOT, really and truly true.
There are those of us, and you can argue your point all you want, and I promise you I will nod and smile and let you make every single one of your valid points, but there are those of us who are supposed to be alone for most of our lives.
WE think better, we sleep better, and we live our lives better. AND, and, and... this is an important AND, we can share ourselves better.
Granted, and I'll give you this, there is nothing that says we can't share ourselves with others while we are attached, in a relationship type of sense, to another person. There are thousands that do it, every single day. The ones I love most, those incredible people who pull me out of this batcave, are those that can share themselves with the entire world, and they do it while in a marriage or an engagement or simply during dating.
Not so much me, I don't think. When I focus on a person, I tend to really, truly focus. If the person means that much to me, then everything else can fall away, and the universe becomes just me and one other.
When alone, I can focus on everyone, and I kind of mean that in a literal sense. If we have met, face to face, I can promise you that you enter my mind at least twice or three times a day. Usually I just reach out and tap you on the shoulder, just to make sure you're all right, and then I move onto something else shiny in my mind that distracts me. If we have never met, but have chatted, even a little bit, here on LJ or elsewhere, then you don't show up quite as often, but you do show up, you are noticed, and you are recognized.
When alone, I can write... I can create stories and bits that just flow from me like water. When alone, I don't have to plan my day around anyone else but me, and I'm just selfish enough to say that I like that part of the world.
While alone, I have found myself on incredible adventures and meeting marvelous people that I would never, ever have had the chance if I hadn't started on this journey. I would never have reached the conclusion that there are people in the world that genuinely care about each other, and work out their issues and situations. I would never had spent the time to get to know ME.
Now, I may say I'm a monster, but that is just a tiny, tiny portion of a heart that has grown larger with ever day. No, don't try to dissuade me from it. It is a necessary part of me. It is the part that keeps me searching for redemption, that part that keeps me humble, and the part that keeps me wanting to reach out and listen and help others when they need it. It's a part of myself that, while not exactly comfortable with, I have come to appreciate that part for what it is and what it is useful for.
I am also an incredibly good person, and this is inspired by the other incredibly good people that I have been exposed to. I would like to think that I would have been a good person regardless, but one never knows. I come from an interesting childhood and family background. I suspect it could have gone either way.
Here's the gist: I envy you out there. Those of you that have family around you that you love and cherish. I envy every single thing you do together and I read them with wonder and love and affection. I'm not jealous of you, not in the least. It's the same envy I have of Olympic runners and swimmers. It is simply not something I believe I was destined to do. Like regrowing my hair, I'm okay with it. Doesn't mean I don't wish, sometimes, tho.
Make sure you let those who you wake up with and to that you love them, if you do. Make sure that they understand that they are part of your journey, and you are part of theirs, and you make that trip willingly, even if the road gets a bit bumpy from time to time. It's important. Really... it is.
So, on this Christmas day, I am blessed and I am gifted with knowing incredible people and with being on this amazing journey of self-knowledge and understanding. I am loved and, I believe, cherished in a way I could never have been had I not been alone. There are loved ones and family members from one end of the country to the other, and from top to bottom. I do and truly, really, really believe that the greatest gift I have been given came at a bit of a price. It's a price that I willingly pay, because the rewards are greater than I could have ever imagined.
The greatest Christmas gift I ever received was that of an open heart. My own. And to those of you who gave that gift to me (Which pretty much covers everyone who reads this, I think), my eternal love and gratitude for allowing me to find that gift on my own and even unwrap it without anyone making fun of the way I sometimes tear the paper.
I love you all, and you know what? I feel it when you love me back and it warms this old monster heart of mine right up. Ain't that just so cool?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 06:42 am (UTC)Thanks for inducing thought :)
ROAD LESS TRAVELED
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
Robert Frost
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 06:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 06:52 am (UTC)My world would not be the same without you, brotherhusbandfriend, and there's simply not another YOU quite like you in my life. That's another reason to be joyful this evening.
My world is just as it should be and I suspect that yours is too.
Merry Christmas once again.
*HUGS*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 06:57 am (UTC)Merry Christmas, sisterwifefriend, which can be summed up in two words: Loved One. May your tomorrow be as lovely as your evening was.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 06:57 am (UTC)I may not wake up with you every day, but I want you to know you are an important part of my journey, and I am pretty darn sure I'm an important part of yours. I make this trip willingly, even if the road gets bumpy from time to time...I love you Chester... always have, always will.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 06:59 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 07:21 am (UTC)Much love!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 07:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 09:48 am (UTC)http://i65.photobucket.com/albums/h239/eternalsunshine11/labyrinth_ludo.jpg
Love
Therey
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 01:49 pm (UTC)I know you felt that!
*GRINS*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 04:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-25 07:11 pm (UTC)