Dark monkeys in my brain

[joegoda]

Where has me been? Me been avoiding and unable to cogitate two complete concepts together that would be something that would not cause me to delete, delete, delete.

I've heard it said that quiting smoking was harder that quitting heroin. I don't know. I've never quit heroin. Course, I've never taken it either. I think that the thing revolves around what is socially acceptable. Heroin, I understand, is greatly frowned upon by the law officials. That would, in my opinion make it easier to quit, specially when you are doing it from behind bars.

Nicotine, on the other hand, regardless of the evils of it, it not frowned upon by anyone. Smoking is. Unless, of course it's a side of beef, a ham, maybe some chicken that's being smoked. But how do they roll a chicken joint? A beef joint?

Regardless, nicotine is not frowned upon at all. Instead, it's actually applauded. Wear the patch, get kudos, chew nic gum, get an attaperson.

Smoking cigarettes is a nasty, foul, expensive habit that even smokers turn their de-sensitized noses away from. It smells, bad. Not to smokers, of course. WE can't smell how bad it is unless we have our noses rubbed in it. Literally.

Come January 1st, I decided to quit. Why? It's not for my health. I'm wonderfully healthy, doctors hate me, which is convenient because I hate them. I do my own medicine, I fix my own sinuses, I handle my own migraines, and all with out prescription. So, it's not my health.

And really, it's not even the money. Granted, it's costly. Almost four bucks a pack for my cheapo smokes. Since I really don't eat that much, I generally would spend 4 dollars a day, with maybe a snickers bar tossed in. I can always find four bucks from somewhere, and there are thousands and thousands of half smoked butts lying around. Having been a bum, homeless, living from trash, my pride is not above grabbing a snipe and smoking away at it. In short, I could smoke for nothing. So, it's not the money.

I quit, quite simply, because there are more of my friends that don't smoke than do. I would like to occasionally get hugs and stuff from these non smoking friends of mine, without the feeling that they would rather be somewhere else at the time. I quit, quite simply, because smoking does not smell good, even a little bit to some of my friends. Some of my friends, are even allergic to it. I quit because I like my friends.

Now, it is very apparent, even to those who have never done it, who have never stopped smoking, that is it not easy. I knew it wouldn't be a cake walk. It would be difficult, but not impossible. I even figured out that I do most of my smoking while bored or while trying to concentrate on something... like writing. I was half right.

Even though I figured I smoked mostly when I was bored, I failed to take into account that I was most assuredly hooked. Day one and two went pretty darn good. Day three, the dark monkeys showed up.

They would whisper in the ear of my mind that it wouldn't hurt anything to just buy a pack. Heck, I could smoke them really really slow. Save one for when I was really desperate. Hide the pack away from myself so I would have to get up and find them every single time.

Dark Monkeys! Of course, they were lying. If I had a pack, I would smoke them. It's like not eating chocolates. If they are there, I'm gonna eat them.

So I decided to solve the problem by NOT buying them, by holding myself to such a standard that I simply wouldn't. I told the folks at QT that I had quit. These are special folks. They'll support me and tell me no. I pick my friends so that they'll be honest with me.

And I have stuck to it, too. No buying. And thankfully, nobody has offered me any. See? Most of my friends don't smoke. It's what I would call a good thing.

I don't know if it's working, but I do know that I haven't smoked a complete cigarette in ten days. Today, a dark monkey said "Let's buy a pack to celebrate!" Yeah. That'll do it! The answer to that is No, but thanks.

To celbrate, however, I did buy a six pack of Jack's Pumpkin Spice Ale, which cost me less than two packs of cigarettes. And considering that I don't really like to drink, this celebration will probably last me about 4 days. maybe more.

Anyway, that's why I've been gone. I don't know, and I still don't know what the effect will be on my creativity. It might and probably will be a moot point. It will be a matter of wait and see, because right now, I can't get into BP&G at all. Not even a little bit.

I have, however, started to have a fondness for a particular character who is getting sucked in, against his will, to the world of the circle casters and stone throwers. There are even a few Village Stories that I need to write, because they're bubbling up in my head.

It will take a bit of time, and I will continue to be veddy veddy quiet for a bit more. I've also got this verdamnt arthritic finger which happens to be the one that types the letter E. For those that don't know, the Letter E is the most used letter in the English alphabet. It kinda hurts, but more than that, it's bothersome. I'm thinking bout trying my grandparents favorite remedy - the copper ring.

Anyway, that's bout it. My finger is griping at me, and the CORE is on television I'd like to spend some time with someone soft, but that's not bloody likely, so I'm gonna just watch tv.

I'll be back in a few days... when my brain is more free of monkeys.

Comments

[mstami.livejournal.com]

You have my full sympathies. It really does get easier with time. Hugs…

[joegoda.livejournal.com]

Thank god! someone not proud of me! It does, for sure. On this day, the eleventh, the feelings are mostly just memory, the cravings are just sort grey ghosts and fading. I figure on day 30, it will be just like any woman that I've been in love with. gone, gone, gone but not forgotten. (Yer an exception, Griz)