![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joegodaI've always felt not quite a part of humanity. I don't know if it was how I was raised, or if I was raised at all and instead brought myself up because my parents were too busy dealing with one emo crisis or another, or if it's just the way things are with my brain.
At 65, I still don't. Most of you amaze me in your creativity and also in your stupidity. Feel free to stop reading if that offends you. I don't really care anymore. Let me clarify that, just a bit. I do care, deeply, about every single one of you, regardless of how stupid you are, how lovely you may be, how wonderful you perform or the everyday miracles you create.
It's your choices I don't care about. Those are your choices. Mine are mine, and I've grown tired of forcing myself to care about your choices. Because that was exactly what I was doing, because I thought I was supposed to. I would become upset when I felt unjustly not heard, and even then, I thought it was my fault.
Nope. It's just because, for the most part, people are so concerned with themselves that they can't hear anyone but themselves. What I have found out is that I can pour my heart out, try to tell my tale only to be interrupted by "You've told me that before," or "I've already heard this story", which may be true or may not be. Or, even more likely, I get to hear your story, which I may or may not have heard multiple times and I still listen because it's still you and you, by golly, are interesting to me.
It doesn't matter... it was a choice for you to listen to me, regardless. If your father or your son or your daughter or even someone you like told you a story for the umpteenth time, you'd probably listen, repeating the words they are saying to you in your own head, but you'd listen. Because it's the polite thing to do. We all know that. However, oddly, it didn't apply to me. It was your choice.
So... I've never truly understood the downside of being human. Apparently I demonstrate it enough. Last serious relationship lasted 12 years, I say 13 and she says 12 because I count when we started, she doesn't.
The first 10 years, were fights, arguments, screaming matches. Somewhere I started to list all the things she said were my issues and when I got to number 40, I stopped. Why go on? Why beat myself up? Apparently I was not who I advertised (no, seriously... I am) and instead was this 'Non human' (yep... that was a description of me) who cared nothing for hygiene, nothing for anyone's feelings but my own, always won every argument (how is it I ended up in an apartment, and how did we get a dog and a cat, when I specifically said no?), on and on an on... if you've had an argument with your significant other, multiply the stupidity times 10 and that was us.
And so, a reset. What's a reset? It's when you take something back to an original state. Unless you've never played a Video Game, then you've heard of this. How bout a do over? That might work, except this time we are not going to do it over. No arguments. I'm tired. I'm old enough to tell you to go fuck yourself. Ouch... yeah. I don't like language like that. But it makes a point, doesn't it?
Back in March, I was informed that back in January, I was told that she realized that this would never work. And so, self-fulfilling prophecy that it is, she was right. There are other details, but let's just say that my eternal negativity of the spotless mind was harshing her buzz and she couldn't find her path with my aura in her way.
So, given the chance to stay in the house and have her move out, or me move out and she take care of all the business of the house, I chose to move out. There were multiple reasons for this. As I knew she had no idea what it took to run the house, let her have it. I still manage the bills and I still will help out where I can, and I refuse to be a bastard about it. She is a good person and I'm just hurting and confused by stupidity of choices.
She also had aforementioned cat and dog. Hard to find an apartment on what she made that would take dog and cat easily, I think. I could be wrong. Don't really care. Cat and Dog were going to traumatized by the moves anyway. Well.. maybe cat. Dog is, was, and always will be her friend. She has her own business. It would have been harder for her to make the commute than it was for me to work from home anywhere in the universe. She mentioned moving in with her father, which would be 40 minute drive to her office. Not acceptable to me.
I could not afford the house. She can, barely... maybe even more easily than barely. She makes about 3x more than I do, if she works at it. And now she has to. She asked me to not pay anything toward the house, so I won't.
There's more, I'm sure. I'm tired of thinking about it. Let's just summarize by saying I made this choice to move out. Disagree? Don't care. It was my choice to make.
Let's see.. so far, after being told that my existence was no longer wanted in that house, I've rebuilt a fence... twice, and supervised a hot water heater installment. I have had a birthday, which came and went and had dinner with her to celebrate it. I've spent 2 weeks in this apartment, gotten to know my across the breezeway neighbor and I'm thinking I'll like it here, if they don't raise the rent too much over the next decade. I've walked on the hottest day of the year to the local store and back and it's not too bad. It's rough, like the people who live here, but it's okay. I've seen worse.
When I turn 75, I'm changing my name and identity and becoming someone else... target age? About 28. Why? My choice, again. I could be 45. I could be any age. Doesn't matter to you.
Like I said, I've never truly felt a part of humanity. All those words before this one is just intro and bitterness over a raw deal. I wish her the best. I do. She deserves it and the path I've seen before her is fantastic. She is needed.
Me, I'm sure I have a use. I figure I'm a Swiss army knife sort of person. Needed when needed but not any other time. Thought about when necessity requires but put out of sight otherwise. By the way, this would be called 'playing the victim card' in my other life. I don't see it that way. I see it as my version of the truth. Victims carry a sort of bitterness about their situation. I carry bitterness toward betrayal, but not situations. People, not places or things. People are stupid. Situations are just that... things to be dealt with. Swiss army knife, see?
And that's okay.
I'm really getting to my point. Really... this is all just crap I need to get out my way, once hopefully, so that I can proceed to the real story.
I'm going to pause right here. I'm a bit tired.
At 65, I still don't. Most of you amaze me in your creativity and also in your stupidity. Feel free to stop reading if that offends you. I don't really care anymore. Let me clarify that, just a bit. I do care, deeply, about every single one of you, regardless of how stupid you are, how lovely you may be, how wonderful you perform or the everyday miracles you create.
It's your choices I don't care about. Those are your choices. Mine are mine, and I've grown tired of forcing myself to care about your choices. Because that was exactly what I was doing, because I thought I was supposed to. I would become upset when I felt unjustly not heard, and even then, I thought it was my fault.
Nope. It's just because, for the most part, people are so concerned with themselves that they can't hear anyone but themselves. What I have found out is that I can pour my heart out, try to tell my tale only to be interrupted by "You've told me that before," or "I've already heard this story", which may be true or may not be. Or, even more likely, I get to hear your story, which I may or may not have heard multiple times and I still listen because it's still you and you, by golly, are interesting to me.
It doesn't matter... it was a choice for you to listen to me, regardless. If your father or your son or your daughter or even someone you like told you a story for the umpteenth time, you'd probably listen, repeating the words they are saying to you in your own head, but you'd listen. Because it's the polite thing to do. We all know that. However, oddly, it didn't apply to me. It was your choice.
So... I've never truly understood the downside of being human. Apparently I demonstrate it enough. Last serious relationship lasted 12 years, I say 13 and she says 12 because I count when we started, she doesn't.
The first 10 years, were fights, arguments, screaming matches. Somewhere I started to list all the things she said were my issues and when I got to number 40, I stopped. Why go on? Why beat myself up? Apparently I was not who I advertised (no, seriously... I am) and instead was this 'Non human' (yep... that was a description of me) who cared nothing for hygiene, nothing for anyone's feelings but my own, always won every argument (how is it I ended up in an apartment, and how did we get a dog and a cat, when I specifically said no?), on and on an on... if you've had an argument with your significant other, multiply the stupidity times 10 and that was us.
And so, a reset. What's a reset? It's when you take something back to an original state. Unless you've never played a Video Game, then you've heard of this. How bout a do over? That might work, except this time we are not going to do it over. No arguments. I'm tired. I'm old enough to tell you to go fuck yourself. Ouch... yeah. I don't like language like that. But it makes a point, doesn't it?
Back in March, I was informed that back in January, I was told that she realized that this would never work. And so, self-fulfilling prophecy that it is, she was right. There are other details, but let's just say that my eternal negativity of the spotless mind was harshing her buzz and she couldn't find her path with my aura in her way.
So, given the chance to stay in the house and have her move out, or me move out and she take care of all the business of the house, I chose to move out. There were multiple reasons for this. As I knew she had no idea what it took to run the house, let her have it. I still manage the bills and I still will help out where I can, and I refuse to be a bastard about it. She is a good person and I'm just hurting and confused by stupidity of choices.
She also had aforementioned cat and dog. Hard to find an apartment on what she made that would take dog and cat easily, I think. I could be wrong. Don't really care. Cat and Dog were going to traumatized by the moves anyway. Well.. maybe cat. Dog is, was, and always will be her friend. She has her own business. It would have been harder for her to make the commute than it was for me to work from home anywhere in the universe. She mentioned moving in with her father, which would be 40 minute drive to her office. Not acceptable to me.
I could not afford the house. She can, barely... maybe even more easily than barely. She makes about 3x more than I do, if she works at it. And now she has to. She asked me to not pay anything toward the house, so I won't.
There's more, I'm sure. I'm tired of thinking about it. Let's just summarize by saying I made this choice to move out. Disagree? Don't care. It was my choice to make.
Let's see.. so far, after being told that my existence was no longer wanted in that house, I've rebuilt a fence... twice, and supervised a hot water heater installment. I have had a birthday, which came and went and had dinner with her to celebrate it. I've spent 2 weeks in this apartment, gotten to know my across the breezeway neighbor and I'm thinking I'll like it here, if they don't raise the rent too much over the next decade. I've walked on the hottest day of the year to the local store and back and it's not too bad. It's rough, like the people who live here, but it's okay. I've seen worse.
When I turn 75, I'm changing my name and identity and becoming someone else... target age? About 28. Why? My choice, again. I could be 45. I could be any age. Doesn't matter to you.
Like I said, I've never truly felt a part of humanity. All those words before this one is just intro and bitterness over a raw deal. I wish her the best. I do. She deserves it and the path I've seen before her is fantastic. She is needed.
Me, I'm sure I have a use. I figure I'm a Swiss army knife sort of person. Needed when needed but not any other time. Thought about when necessity requires but put out of sight otherwise. By the way, this would be called 'playing the victim card' in my other life. I don't see it that way. I see it as my version of the truth. Victims carry a sort of bitterness about their situation. I carry bitterness toward betrayal, but not situations. People, not places or things. People are stupid. Situations are just that... things to be dealt with. Swiss army knife, see?
And that's okay.
I'm really getting to my point. Really... this is all just crap I need to get out my way, once hopefully, so that I can proceed to the real story.
I'm going to pause right here. I'm a bit tired.
