joegoda | Standing on the Nightside cliff

I'm having to deal with a number of emotional things and I'm not doing very well. Shannon, who does care and love me, doesn't know how to deal with it. Hell, I don't know how to deal with it.

See, it seems to me that there are lots of folks out there sad, hurt, broken, and their world is so much worse than mine. I have a job, I have my health, I have friends nearby that would come running to my aid if I just asked.

I don't ask.

It doesn't seem right or fair for me to be down this far, when I have folks who can read this who don't see enough light to laugh. I can still laugh, and I still find things funny, and there's a buoyancy in my heart that keeps my head above water.

I grieve for my friend Journiey, who is in constant pain, like Linda was, and can't find her way out. I grieve for my friend Heather, who is in a different type of pain and is having a hard time finding her way out. I grieve for my friend Sherry and Sandy, who lost someone who was legendary and strong and big in their hearts and they are having a hard time getting past that too. I grieve for Susi, up in KC, who is in a hole that keeps trying to cave in, and struggle though she might, she just can't seem to find the handhold. I grieve for my friend Tim, because he's struggling and Kit and Jack, who feel that I was so rude that they decided to write Shannon off as a friend. And so, I grieve for Shannon, who has to deal with my grief, and doesn't know what to do. It angers her and so, she tends to avoid me, not knowing that a hug or a kind word or a hold of a hand means more to me right now than it ever would.

I stand on the Nightside Cliff and watch the lights of the city far, far below. The cars move and flash like little fish, shining and twinkling in the starlight. I see the lights in the buildings, and they come on and go off, semaphore like, telling the tales of lovers, and haters, and those inbetweeners.

I stand on the Nightside cliff and I look at the sky, all full of angry gray and swirly blackness. No stars are out, no stars are wanting to associate with me, either.
I am loved, and even so, I am alone. And you know, I feel like such a schmuck for feeling that way.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

"It doesn't seem right or fair for me to be down this far"

It's not fair or right for anyone to feel down this far, but it happens, because, for 'normal' people, that is a part of life...even though we try very hard to ignore it or laugh it away or otherwise pretend that it doesn't happen, until it does, and strikes us squarely between the eyes..

You are dealing with grief, and your reactions and responses are normal and, for the most part, predictable. That does not make them less scary or worrisome in your mind, but it does imply that, over time, the scary and worrisome part of those feelings will begin to ease up as you adjust to the New World Order of things. Feeling alone in the midst of good friends is a part of that grief - no one can say that they have ever felt exactly the same way, because all of us experience life uniquely.

There are, however, things you can do to help facilitate the easing of the difficult times, and you are already doing a lot of those things. Being around others, especially those who do care about you, finding activities that make you feel happier/better about your life and doing them, making time to think about all of the good memories you have - those are some of the recommended ways. And you know what? They work, after a fashion; that's why they are recommended.

You will find unique ways for dealing with this, too, and that is good. It may take some time to work through it, but you will find your path and keep moving forward. And there will be friends along the way to help you; even if you do not ask, most of us will still be right here. We don't want to 'avoid' you during this time, but we do want to give you the necessary space to work through your thoughts; when you look up, you will still find us standing nearby, waiting to extend a helping hand if you falter or reach out in distress.

You can feel like a schmuck if you wish...but know that you are still our schmuck, and we do love you.

And that, Dear Becky, is my greatest strength - the folks I hold near.

*nods at Becky's words, and holds your hand*

The sunshine is coming again. I promise.

Chester, would it be nosy to ask a question?

Daniel, it is always nosy to ask a question, but I don't see that as a reason NOT to ask it. What's up?

The sky and the moon. But for now, more down to earth.
Did Shannon ever meet Linda?

Nope, they never did meet. They would have been friends, if it wasn't this thing in the middle that caused them friction. that would be me.

Yeah, I would think that middle part would complicate things. But you know, just saying, I'd bet Shannon would like to know how she and Linda could have been friends.

Oh, that was actually discussed while Linda was alive. I've talked a bit about Linda and her likes and dislikes and how she and Shannon shared many interests. Don't know if it mattered a darn. Shannon didn't dislike Linda. She just felt that Linda was taking advantage of my good nature.

Well, from the times we've met, I gathered you do have a good nature. And, you know, it might matter. If Shannon knows about Linda, and she knows you (duh, obviously), she may know a lot more of what your feeling than you think.
Just my two cents. And let's not adjust for inflation.

I know as well as anyone how hard it can be to reach out and ask for emotional support. It' hard to be the first to take a hand or take an offereed hug. It is OK to be thankful and to hold on to the good, when there is pain all around you. You are not to blame, all you can do is support where you can and accept support where it is offered. Dont push away the good things. Hold them closer and with gratitude. Dont push away because you harbor fears of losing them or that somehow you dont deserve happiness, because you do! Yes there are folks all around dealing with life and death the best they can. Including you and Shannon. We are all doing the best we can with what we've got. Hug those you love and tell them how you feel. Be more forgiving of the small things. We are all at our best when we pull past ourselves and stand together.

Yes, Griz knows this stuff. She's wise! Are you listening, lil' brother? *smile*

Sherry, i'm sorry to hear you are hurting, too. You kids hang on to each other! Nobody knows a thing about tomorrow! So love on each other today, m'kay! That includes Bags!

That's why you've always been my angel. Linda's too, when it came down to it. There are times I wish I could emulate just a tiny bit of your heart. Make me a nicer person, I 'spect.

*tries her best and then some to find her way to the Nightside cliff to stand beside her lil' bro when he needs her*

I love you. You are not a schmuck for having human needs, for feeling grief, for not knowing what to do.

And i am here, shoulder to shoulder, ready to listen, or hug, or whatever. I'm here. And look, there's the first star!

Sis, we all stand together on the Nightside cliff, and we all stand alone too. Grief, in any form is a personal thing, even if it is shared.Like religion, love and hate, freedom and beauty, it all means different things for different people. Odd... it seems that I can not quite remember Linda much. We didn't speak a lot the last 3 years of her life. Me getting married had something to do with that, I'm sure. Aw well.. the world moves on, doesn't it?

It does.

But i'm staying.

We all do the best we can, my friend. I'll manage as we all do.

I'm puzzles that you have removed me from your friend's list but I understand that you must do whatever you have to do to get along.

I love you like a brother and wish I could help with your grief. I won't stop being your friend even though I don't see you on LJ. If for some reason, I have caused you to unfriend me, I"m sorry.

Nope. You didn't cause any unfriending. I just checked and sure enough, you weren't checked, so I checked you back.

*whew* Thanks, my friend. It's the little things, isn't it.

Grief has the damnedest way of chewing our asses when we need it the least. Just remember that you *are* loved, no matter what happens.

Much love.

Standing on the Nightside cliff

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