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joegodaWell, here it is. I know it's not done. I know it's not finished. It is, however, this far along, something that I worked hard to avoid because I had no idea where to go with it. So, Jack, this one's for you.
ACT III
Scene 1
Light fades up on Jon, sitting in his cell, same
as act I, scene I. The door to the cell opens,
and Frank comes in. Frank’s appearance has
changed slightly. He has a scar on one of his
cheeks and he has a slight hunch on his
back. Other than that, he looks just dandy.
FRANK
Here’s your soda. Sorry it took me so
long. Everyplace I looked there were nothing but sold
out signs and even then, I didn’t find you a coke. All
I could get was this Orange flavored stuff.
JON
It’s all right, Scarface. Once I get back to where I
belong, I’ll make everything right.
FRANK
Uh, my name’s not Scarface. And you may not be getting
back for a very long time.
JON
Yes, yes. That’s what they all said about me. They
said I was crazy. They said I was Mad! Well, it
wasn’t me. I wasn’t the crazy one!
FRANK
Hey, there. Hey! No need to be upset or get yourself
all worked up. I’ll take care of you.
JON
You will, won’t you, Scarface? You’ve been a good
assistant through it all.
FRANK
My name isn’t... what the
hell? Thanks,...uh...Doc. That’s what assistants are
for.
JON
Like Charon, Scarface. Like Charon.
FRANK
Who? Charon? Who’s that?
JON
Charon. You remember, don’t you? Charon is Pluto’s
moon. Or at least it was before the idiots of the
scientific world demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet. Dwarf
Planet! Pffaaaww! Morons.
FRANK
I remember that! I thought it was just dumb.
JON
So it is, Scarface. So it is. That’s why you’re so
important to me. Just like Charon. We’ll always be
together.
The Memories wheel in a tea service, an old
fashioned settee and place them just upstage of
Jon and Frank. A Memory takes the straightjacket
off Jon and straightens his tie. The Memories
take both Jon and Frank by the elbow and lead them
to the sofa, while another pours tea for the
gentlemen. The scene should look as two old
friends talking to each other.
FRANK
What the...
JON
Just go with it. It’s amazing to be me, truly,
Scarface. I know on the one hand, I’m sitting in a
tiny cell, and I know that on the other hand, I’m
sitting with my very best friend in the hall of
Skullcrusher mountain.
FRANK
Skull...
JON
My secret lair, Scarface. Don’t tell me you’ve
forgotten everything. Everything! Poor man. I wish
you felt like I do. I feel fantastic! Let me tell you
this.
Music starts - So far so good
JON
Today’s the day it gets better
This much I know
I’m gone, I’m getting out
And all you suckers can watch me go
And I don’t know where I’m going yet
But it’s somewhere quite a ways from here I’ll bet
It’s gonna be so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
It’s gonna be so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
It’s gonna be so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
Too late to make it all better
This time it’s real
No need for looking back
Don’t have to talk about how we feel
And there’s no-one we can pin this on
Cause you can’t see that it’s going till it’s gone
But we got so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
You know we got so far, so good (So far so far so far
so good)
Yeah, we got so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
Not bad, we could have done better
Next time we’ll know
So sad, should have been
If only wishing would make it so
In a thousand years we’ll meet again
And with the saddest smile you’ll ask me how I’ve been
I’m gonna say so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
I’m gonna say so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
I’m gonna say so far, so good
scene 2
JON
So, you see, Scar old friend. Life can only get
better. In fact it already has.
Memories come on stage and take the cell walls
away. The set behind, still very darkened has the
signs and portents of a mad scientist
laboratory. How ever you want to do a mad
scientist laboratory would be fine, and wouldn’t
it be nice to have that crackle of a jacob’s
ladder with the lightning crawling up it.
FRANK
Uh, this is really getting weird, Doc. I could swear
we aren’t in the cell any more.
JON
We never were, Scarface. We never were. This was all
Betty’s doing, convincing you that I was crazy. Let me
tell you, buddy. Someone was crazy, but it wasn’t
me. It was her, Scarface.
Betty walks out of the shadows to stand at Jon’s
side, dressed in her Betty Crocker best.
Jon quickly stands up, almost dropping his tea in
shock.
FRANK
What is it? What do you see?
JON
Can’t you see her, Scarface? She’s right there!
He points at the ghost of relationships past
FRANK
I can’t see a damned thing, Doc. Just you pointing
VOICE FROM ABOVE
It’s all in your head, Doc.
JON
Looks up at the ceiling
Shut up you!
FRANK
Who? Me?
JON
Not you, you idiot! Him! Or her! or... that!
He points up at the ceiling with a vengence.
You just shut up for a while. Not you, Scarface.
FRANK
I think you’re losing it, Doc.
JON
No matter, Scarface. I’ll deal with her.
He places his tea on the settee, straightens his
tie and sings at Betty. Not to Betty, at Betty,
adversarial like:
Music starts,
Overhead
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
I’m sick of your smile, your nothing to say
Your monkey, your middle
Jon dances downstage, around betty, taunting her,
jousting at her. Make this a fun retribution. If
Jon can say anything to the crazy thoughts in his
head, this is it. Play with it. Have fun.
You see me overhead
As I go by
You talk so cold and dead
And still you wonder why
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
I’m sick of your smile, your nothing to say
Your monkey, your middle
Jon rails at the sky, hands shaking and face angry
You are my overhead
It makes me cry
You buy some folding bed
And still you wonder why
Betty reacts, hands up in front of her mouth in
silent tears. Jon moves in for the kill.
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
I’m sick of your smile, your nothing to say
Your monkey, your middle
Jon shakes his finger at Betty. Betty backs away
toward the dark, shaking her head, disbelieving
what she is hearing.
You fall heel over head
And though you try
You just get old instead
And still you wonder why
Betty leaves, in tears, in horror that the man she
loved has become such a monster. Jon raises his
hands and prizefighter like, shakes them in
victory
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
The lights fade a bit along with Jon’s mood. Not
exactly the darkness of depression, but a
bittersweet longing of something that might have
been and can no longer be. He moves back to the
settee, picks up his tea, and sips, in thought.
FRANK
You all right Doc?
JON
What? Of course. Of course I’m all right. Just
battling old ghosts. That’s all.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Old ghosts.
JON
Yes. Old ghosts. That man who was me is not longer
me, is he? Or me? Drinking tea, is me, so it’s not he
that’s drinking the tea. Hee Hee
FRANK
Huh.
Frank looks up at the ceiling.
I sure wish I knew who you were talking to.
JON
So do I, Scarface. No matter, though. It’s just
another part of this world I live in. Inexplicable and
misunderstood. Nothing I’ve done has been completely
understood, from the moment of my birth in the tank, to
my creation of my robot army...
FRANK
Robot army? Really?
JON
Places his tea on the table.
Poor Scarface. Your memory just isn’t what it used to
be. No need, my friend. No need. Do you remember
Laura?
FRANK
Laura? Nope. Can’t say that I do.
JON
It was long ago and far away. You and I had just met
right as she left me. In fact, you and I wrote a
little song about it. Would you like to hear it?
scene 3
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I don’t think we have a choice.
FRANK AND JON
Shut up!
FRANK
I heard it!
JON
I knew you would. Would you like to hear the song,
Scarface?
FRANK
Yes, Master. I would.
Music starts
JON
Jon clears his throat and sings:
The Future Soon
Last week I left a note on Laura’s desk
It said I love you, signed, anonymous friend
Turns out she’s smarter than I thought she was
She knows I wrote it, now the whole class does too
And I’m all alone during couple skate
When she skates by with some guy on her arm
But I know that I’ll forget the look of pity in her
face
When I’m living in my solar dome on a platform in space
’Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get
engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and
it’s already here
I’ll probably be some kind of scientist
Building inventions in my space lab in space
I’ll end world hunger, I’ll make dolphins speak
Work through the daytime, spend my nights and weekends
Perfecting my warrior robot race
Building them one laser gun at a time
I will do my best to teach them
About life and what it’s worth
I just hope that I can keep them from destroying the
Earth
’Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get
engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and
it’s already
Here on Earth they’ll wonder
As I piece by piece replace myself
And the steel and circuits will make me whole
But I’ll still feel so alone
Until Laura calls me home
I’ll see her standing by the monorail
She’ll look the same except for bionic eyes
She lost the real ones in the robot wars
I’ll say I’m sorry, she’ll say it’s not your fault
Or is it?
She’ll eye me suspiciously
Hearing the whir of the servos inside
And she’ll scream and try to run
But there’s nowhere she can hide
When a crazy cyborg wants to make you his robot bride
Well it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get
engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and
it’s already here
Frank, now become Scarface, applauds wildly. He
wolfwhistles and laughs.
FRANK
Excellent Master! I remember now! She finally died,
didn’t she?
JON
Sadly
Yes, sad to say. Under mysterious circumstances, I
might add.
Looks pointedly at Frank
FRANK
It wasn’t me, Master. I swear. That time.
JON
Oh, I believe you, my friend. Why would you lie to me?
Looks at his watch, then up at the audience.
My, how the time has flown. Scarface!
FRANK
Humps from the settee over to hunch just bellow
Jon’s eyelevel.
Yes, Master?
JON
It is time for you to go search for my evenings...
companion. You know what I like. Bring her back to
me!
FRANK
Yes Master! At once Master!
Frank humps off stage left.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Well...
JON
Yes?
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Yes, well. It seems you made it out, after all, Jon.
JON
Was there any doubt? Really? Seriously?
To the audience:
How about you? Did you doubt me? Did you? If not, it
shows how smart you are. If you did, then well, now
you know better, don’t you? Regardless, welcome,
welcome, welcome! I’m so glad you made it!
Music starts: Skullcrusher Mountain
Jon sings this to the audience. Frank, who is now
Scarface, wanders the audience in search for the
Doctor’s companion. Every he finds one, about mid
way though the song and brings her on stage. This
can be a plant or actually get one of the true
audience. she should be informed of the joke and
Scarface will let her know to scream when he gives
her the signal. She must cringe with fear and
look scared A LOT.
The Memories will come on stage at various times
to help Jon sing. At one point, they bring on the
Monkey Pony Monster. It can be a stuffed doll, or
there could be two of them dressed in a
Monkey/Pony suit. The Memories will provide the
howls of the wolves the song mentions, and perhaps
some of the backup vocals on the song. I want the
Memories to have a big part here.
At the beginning of the song, the Memories come on
stage and rearrange the furniture. The settee
goes away or off to stage right. The lights come
up on the Mad Scientist’s lab. Jon moves down and
it would be so cool if a memory could give him a
microphone that he sings in to, much in the same
sense as a lounge singer. Once Scarface brings
his victim onstage, Jon will sing to her.
I want Jon to have fun with this song. It is a
fun song, he can play, he can dance, he can
mug. He needs to have the audience buy into the
song. If he doesn’t, this will be for nothing.
Skullcrusher Mountain
Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain
I hope that you’ve enjoyed your stay so far
I see you’ve met my assistant Scarface
His appearance is quite disturbing
But I assure you he’s harmless enough
He’s a sweetheart, calls me master
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing
them to me
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my
head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please
you
But I get the feeling that you don’t like it
What’s with all the screaming?
You like monkeys, you like ponies
Maybe you don’t like monsters so much
Maybe I used too many monkeys
Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a
gift for you?
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my
head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine
While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the
atmosphere
And all the fools who lead their foolish lives may find
it quite explosive
Well it won’t mean half as much to me if I don’t have
you here
You know it isn’t easy living here on Skullcrusher
Mountain
Maybe you could cut me just a little slack
Would it kill you to be civil?
I’ve been patient, I’ve been gracious
And this mountain is covered with wolves
Hear them howling, my hungry children
Maybe you should stay and have another drink and think
about me and you
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my
head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
I shouldn’t kill you yet
I shouldn’t kill you yet
END ACT III
Do a friggin Curtain Call. Bring them all on stage
and let them Bow for christ’s sake, one at a
time. Specially the Memories. They are the
backbone of the show.
Many thanks to Jonathan Coulton for creating music
that made me want to write this. Many thanks to
Scareface for being there right when Jonathan
needed him. And of course, Thanks to all my
friends who knew I could do it. Hope you enjoyed
it.
ACT III
Scene 1
Light fades up on Jon, sitting in his cell, same
as act I, scene I. The door to the cell opens,
and Frank comes in. Frank’s appearance has
changed slightly. He has a scar on one of his
cheeks and he has a slight hunch on his
back. Other than that, he looks just dandy.
FRANK
Here’s your soda. Sorry it took me so
long. Everyplace I looked there were nothing but sold
out signs and even then, I didn’t find you a coke. All
I could get was this Orange flavored stuff.
JON
It’s all right, Scarface. Once I get back to where I
belong, I’ll make everything right.
FRANK
Uh, my name’s not Scarface. And you may not be getting
back for a very long time.
JON
Yes, yes. That’s what they all said about me. They
said I was crazy. They said I was Mad! Well, it
wasn’t me. I wasn’t the crazy one!
FRANK
Hey, there. Hey! No need to be upset or get yourself
all worked up. I’ll take care of you.
JON
You will, won’t you, Scarface? You’ve been a good
assistant through it all.
FRANK
My name isn’t... what the
hell? Thanks,...uh...Doc. That’s what assistants are
for.
JON
Like Charon, Scarface. Like Charon.
FRANK
Who? Charon? Who’s that?
JON
Charon. You remember, don’t you? Charon is Pluto’s
moon. Or at least it was before the idiots of the
scientific world demoted Pluto to a dwarf planet. Dwarf
Planet! Pffaaaww! Morons.
FRANK
I remember that! I thought it was just dumb.
JON
So it is, Scarface. So it is. That’s why you’re so
important to me. Just like Charon. We’ll always be
together.
The Memories wheel in a tea service, an old
fashioned settee and place them just upstage of
Jon and Frank. A Memory takes the straightjacket
off Jon and straightens his tie. The Memories
take both Jon and Frank by the elbow and lead them
to the sofa, while another pours tea for the
gentlemen. The scene should look as two old
friends talking to each other.
FRANK
What the...
JON
Just go with it. It’s amazing to be me, truly,
Scarface. I know on the one hand, I’m sitting in a
tiny cell, and I know that on the other hand, I’m
sitting with my very best friend in the hall of
Skullcrusher mountain.
FRANK
Skull...
JON
My secret lair, Scarface. Don’t tell me you’ve
forgotten everything. Everything! Poor man. I wish
you felt like I do. I feel fantastic! Let me tell you
this.
Music starts - So far so good
JON
Today’s the day it gets better
This much I know
I’m gone, I’m getting out
And all you suckers can watch me go
And I don’t know where I’m going yet
But it’s somewhere quite a ways from here I’ll bet
It’s gonna be so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
It’s gonna be so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
It’s gonna be so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
Too late to make it all better
This time it’s real
No need for looking back
Don’t have to talk about how we feel
And there’s no-one we can pin this on
Cause you can’t see that it’s going till it’s gone
But we got so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
You know we got so far, so good (So far so far so far
so good)
Yeah, we got so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
Not bad, we could have done better
Next time we’ll know
So sad, should have been
If only wishing would make it so
In a thousand years we’ll meet again
And with the saddest smile you’ll ask me how I’ve been
I’m gonna say so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
I’m gonna say so far, so good (So far so far so far so
good)
I’m gonna say so far, so good
scene 2
JON
So, you see, Scar old friend. Life can only get
better. In fact it already has.
Memories come on stage and take the cell walls
away. The set behind, still very darkened has the
signs and portents of a mad scientist
laboratory. How ever you want to do a mad
scientist laboratory would be fine, and wouldn’t
it be nice to have that crackle of a jacob’s
ladder with the lightning crawling up it.
FRANK
Uh, this is really getting weird, Doc. I could swear
we aren’t in the cell any more.
JON
We never were, Scarface. We never were. This was all
Betty’s doing, convincing you that I was crazy. Let me
tell you, buddy. Someone was crazy, but it wasn’t
me. It was her, Scarface.
Betty walks out of the shadows to stand at Jon’s
side, dressed in her Betty Crocker best.
Jon quickly stands up, almost dropping his tea in
shock.
FRANK
What is it? What do you see?
JON
Can’t you see her, Scarface? She’s right there!
He points at the ghost of relationships past
FRANK
I can’t see a damned thing, Doc. Just you pointing
VOICE FROM ABOVE
It’s all in your head, Doc.
JON
Looks up at the ceiling
Shut up you!
FRANK
Who? Me?
JON
Not you, you idiot! Him! Or her! or... that!
He points up at the ceiling with a vengence.
You just shut up for a while. Not you, Scarface.
FRANK
I think you’re losing it, Doc.
JON
No matter, Scarface. I’ll deal with her.
He places his tea on the settee, straightens his
tie and sings at Betty. Not to Betty, at Betty,
adversarial like:
Music starts,
Overhead
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
I’m sick of your smile, your nothing to say
Your monkey, your middle
Jon dances downstage, around betty, taunting her,
jousting at her. Make this a fun retribution. If
Jon can say anything to the crazy thoughts in his
head, this is it. Play with it. Have fun.
You see me overhead
As I go by
You talk so cold and dead
And still you wonder why
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
I’m sick of your smile, your nothing to say
Your monkey, your middle
Jon rails at the sky, hands shaking and face angry
You are my overhead
It makes me cry
You buy some folding bed
And still you wonder why
Betty reacts, hands up in front of her mouth in
silent tears. Jon moves in for the kill.
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
I’m sick of your smile, your nothing to say
Your monkey, your middle
Jon shakes his finger at Betty. Betty backs away
toward the dark, shaking her head, disbelieving
what she is hearing.
You fall heel over head
And though you try
You just get old instead
And still you wonder why
Betty leaves, in tears, in horror that the man she
loved has become such a monster. Jon raises his
hands and prizefighter like, shakes them in
victory
Once in a while I go out of my way
To kill you a little
The lights fade a bit along with Jon’s mood. Not
exactly the darkness of depression, but a
bittersweet longing of something that might have
been and can no longer be. He moves back to the
settee, picks up his tea, and sips, in thought.
FRANK
You all right Doc?
JON
What? Of course. Of course I’m all right. Just
battling old ghosts. That’s all.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Old ghosts.
JON
Yes. Old ghosts. That man who was me is not longer
me, is he? Or me? Drinking tea, is me, so it’s not he
that’s drinking the tea. Hee Hee
FRANK
Huh.
Frank looks up at the ceiling.
I sure wish I knew who you were talking to.
JON
So do I, Scarface. No matter, though. It’s just
another part of this world I live in. Inexplicable and
misunderstood. Nothing I’ve done has been completely
understood, from the moment of my birth in the tank, to
my creation of my robot army...
FRANK
Robot army? Really?
JON
Places his tea on the table.
Poor Scarface. Your memory just isn’t what it used to
be. No need, my friend. No need. Do you remember
Laura?
FRANK
Laura? Nope. Can’t say that I do.
JON
It was long ago and far away. You and I had just met
right as she left me. In fact, you and I wrote a
little song about it. Would you like to hear it?
scene 3
VOICE FROM ABOVE
I don’t think we have a choice.
FRANK AND JON
Shut up!
FRANK
I heard it!
JON
I knew you would. Would you like to hear the song,
Scarface?
FRANK
Yes, Master. I would.
Music starts
JON
Jon clears his throat and sings:
The Future Soon
Last week I left a note on Laura’s desk
It said I love you, signed, anonymous friend
Turns out she’s smarter than I thought she was
She knows I wrote it, now the whole class does too
And I’m all alone during couple skate
When she skates by with some guy on her arm
But I know that I’ll forget the look of pity in her
face
When I’m living in my solar dome on a platform in space
’Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get
engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and
it’s already here
I’ll probably be some kind of scientist
Building inventions in my space lab in space
I’ll end world hunger, I’ll make dolphins speak
Work through the daytime, spend my nights and weekends
Perfecting my warrior robot race
Building them one laser gun at a time
I will do my best to teach them
About life and what it’s worth
I just hope that I can keep them from destroying the
Earth
’Cause it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get
engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and
it’s already
Here on Earth they’ll wonder
As I piece by piece replace myself
And the steel and circuits will make me whole
But I’ll still feel so alone
Until Laura calls me home
I’ll see her standing by the monorail
She’ll look the same except for bionic eyes
She lost the real ones in the robot wars
I’ll say I’m sorry, she’ll say it’s not your fault
Or is it?
She’ll eye me suspiciously
Hearing the whir of the servos inside
And she’ll scream and try to run
But there’s nowhere she can hide
When a crazy cyborg wants to make you his robot bride
Well it’s gonna be the future soon
And I won’t always be this way
When the things that make me weak and strange get
engineered away
It’s gonna be the future soon
I’ve never seen it quite so clear
And when my heart is breaking I can close my eyes and
it’s already here
Frank, now become Scarface, applauds wildly. He
wolfwhistles and laughs.
FRANK
Excellent Master! I remember now! She finally died,
didn’t she?
JON
Sadly
Yes, sad to say. Under mysterious circumstances, I
might add.
Looks pointedly at Frank
FRANK
It wasn’t me, Master. I swear. That time.
JON
Oh, I believe you, my friend. Why would you lie to me?
Looks at his watch, then up at the audience.
My, how the time has flown. Scarface!
FRANK
Humps from the settee over to hunch just bellow
Jon’s eyelevel.
Yes, Master?
JON
It is time for you to go search for my evenings...
companion. You know what I like. Bring her back to
me!
FRANK
Yes Master! At once Master!
Frank humps off stage left.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Well...
JON
Yes?
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Yes, well. It seems you made it out, after all, Jon.
JON
Was there any doubt? Really? Seriously?
To the audience:
How about you? Did you doubt me? Did you? If not, it
shows how smart you are. If you did, then well, now
you know better, don’t you? Regardless, welcome,
welcome, welcome! I’m so glad you made it!
Music starts: Skullcrusher Mountain
Jon sings this to the audience. Frank, who is now
Scarface, wanders the audience in search for the
Doctor’s companion. Every he finds one, about mid
way though the song and brings her on stage. This
can be a plant or actually get one of the true
audience. she should be informed of the joke and
Scarface will let her know to scream when he gives
her the signal. She must cringe with fear and
look scared A LOT.
The Memories will come on stage at various times
to help Jon sing. At one point, they bring on the
Monkey Pony Monster. It can be a stuffed doll, or
there could be two of them dressed in a
Monkey/Pony suit. The Memories will provide the
howls of the wolves the song mentions, and perhaps
some of the backup vocals on the song. I want the
Memories to have a big part here.
At the beginning of the song, the Memories come on
stage and rearrange the furniture. The settee
goes away or off to stage right. The lights come
up on the Mad Scientist’s lab. Jon moves down and
it would be so cool if a memory could give him a
microphone that he sings in to, much in the same
sense as a lounge singer. Once Scarface brings
his victim onstage, Jon will sing to her.
I want Jon to have fun with this song. It is a
fun song, he can play, he can dance, he can
mug. He needs to have the audience buy into the
song. If he doesn’t, this will be for nothing.
Skullcrusher Mountain
Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain
I hope that you’ve enjoyed your stay so far
I see you’ve met my assistant Scarface
His appearance is quite disturbing
But I assure you he’s harmless enough
He’s a sweetheart, calls me master
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing
them to me
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my
head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please
you
But I get the feeling that you don’t like it
What’s with all the screaming?
You like monkeys, you like ponies
Maybe you don’t like monsters so much
Maybe I used too many monkeys
Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a
gift for you?
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my
head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine
While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the
atmosphere
And all the fools who lead their foolish lives may find
it quite explosive
Well it won’t mean half as much to me if I don’t have
you here
You know it isn’t easy living here on Skullcrusher
Mountain
Maybe you could cut me just a little slack
Would it kill you to be civil?
I’ve been patient, I’ve been gracious
And this mountain is covered with wolves
Hear them howling, my hungry children
Maybe you should stay and have another drink and think
about me and you
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my
head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
I shouldn’t kill you yet
I shouldn’t kill you yet
END ACT III
Do a friggin Curtain Call. Bring them all on stage
and let them Bow for christ’s sake, one at a
time. Specially the Memories. They are the
backbone of the show.
Many thanks to Jonathan Coulton for creating music
that made me want to write this. Many thanks to
Scareface for being there right when Jonathan
needed him. And of course, Thanks to all my
friends who knew I could do it. Hope you enjoyed
it.
