Death, dying and the new passage of time.

[joegoda]

I was listening to NPR interview Joan Rivers. Joan is a funny, yet totally unredeemed stupid person. I don't say thing in the mean sense, though it may seem that way. I mean she doesn't know much and doesn't mind if she doesn't know much. This is something I can respect and even love about a person. Much better than pretending you know what you're talking about and getting pissed because you don't.

Anyway... she was being interviewed and the topic came around the being older and one of the suckages that comes from being older is that many of your friends and loved ones die before you do.

Now, I've been through a number of family members passing on. The earliest memory I have of my family involves a relative dying. But it's different when we get older.
It becomes more... personal. Not in a "all of a sudden" sort of manner. More of a sneaky, silent, 'what the hell? When did this happen?' Sort of manner.

As a child, I wondered what all the hubbub was about. I didn't know the person as a person. I just knew them as some annoying person who drank too much, or cheated at cards, or made wonderful cookies or some such. I couldn't even identify which side of the family they were on. I was a kid, they were not a kid, so it didn't matter much to me.
Once the age gap starts to close... and after the age of, oh... let's arbitrarily say 25, the gape does indeed starts to close, the folks that pass away become much closer to you than you ever imagined. Sometimes total strangers mean something to you.
Heck, I've cried over certain stories of the passing of folks I've never met. No great booo hoooing, but some silent shedding of lifewater onto the ground for their passing.

The passing of a relative or a good friend causes me, and your mileage may vary, it causes me to think, "*sigh* another one gone. Lucky bastard." I don't think this all the time. When my brother Jamie passed away I was pretty damn furious. A younger sib shouldn't die first. It is a universal not fairness, regardless of how much the younger sib was a massive pain in the ass at times. That's their job.

When my mom died, I thought "Good for you, mom. You finally got out." My mom lay like a talking head in a nursing home for the last 9 or 10 years of her life. unable to move her limbs, she had no where else to go but out. I miss her, still. Guess that's a duh. She's my mom, and I would have liked her to have met Shannon. I get such mixed images in my head. On the one lobe, she's laughing and happy and making a fool of herself and she didn't care. On the other lobe, she's staring into space, a quadruped zombie, living in her head on another planet. Yeah. I miss her a lot.

When my dad died, I know that it was the cancer that helped him out, but I also know it was my stepmother who contributed to it. Edra is her name. She lives in Mississippi. Her due will come. My dad, I miss. I wasn't ready to let him go. I didn't want to let him go. I still don't want to let him go. He was my dad, and I would have liked to have heard what he thought of my life, now that I'm here. I miss his laugh. I miss his brain. Damn my stepmom. I do believe she caused it in him.

I even miss my older brother, who I once pulled a knife on to try to get him to quit beating up on my younger brothers and me. He used to say he had a brother that was retarded (james), a brother who was a thief (samuel) and a brother that was queer (that was me). I would have liked him to have stuck around and gotten some help for that broken back of his. Maybe even come over to the house and play cards and the guitar and share a beer or something. Now that we're older, these things mean more. Time, you know. Use it or lose it.

And these are the folks that have passed in my family within the last 9 years. There's more who aren't blood kin that I miss. I'm expecting more real soon, too.

I used to think I was immortal. I still do on good days, regardless of the pain in my hands and the pain in my knees. I just don't think I want to be. See, part of this immortality thing goes like this: When I am really, truly ready to die, I get to. Before then... I'm kinda stuck with this living thing.

It was fun before all these folks started to go on without me.

There are some that I would trade my life with if they would stay a little longer. Well... maybe not a straight trade. Maybe I'd give a year of my life, so they would stay a year longer. Some are blood, like my brother. Some are not. I can count on both hands the folks I would trade a year for.

IT doesn't work like that, you know? There isn't any tradeing my minutes to anyone else. And this isn't me stomping my foot and saying "This isn't fair!". I know it isn't. It's not supposed to be, because there really isn't any fairness in nature. The world turns. The sun rises or sets, but not both at the same time. Life moves on, regardless of our involvement in it. Life also ceases, regardless of our involvement in it.

So yeah. and it's YEAH, not yea. Yea is to biblical and the meaning of the word is entirely different - go look it up! It's true! Yea is not a term of agreement. Yea is a term of excitement, as in "My team won! Yea!" I will call morons morons if they are trying to make a point, regardless of the validity of that point and they say something incredibly stupid like "It's done went..." and then postulate about some dumb ass whatever it is. I will call them morons on a post regardless of who the owner of that board may be.
I will call them morons politely.
I will call them morons without using the word morons.
I will make my point clearly and succinctly.
If the owner of that board whines, I have no compunction with never viewing that board again. To whine encourages the use of poor grammar and if someone is going to promote the lack of communication and the impression of ignorance that poor grammar produces, then why in the great seven hells would I want to read their boards? I wouldn't. So I don't.

I, as I get older, have no truck with whiny butt, poor grammarians who don't know what the hell they are talking about in the first place. I have no truck with folks that waste my time. LOLCAT wastes my time! You want to involve me in something time-wasteful that doesn't waste my time? Come swim with me, come drink with me, come talk with me. Don't friggin' show me picture and post mile after mile of things that were original when the internet was new.

Yes. Your journal- Your Facebook. Post what you want. I'll post what I want. If I get flack about it, I won't complain or argue. I'll just quit reading it. Period. And you know what?

You Won't Care. You Won't even Notice.

And that's okay. Because at that point, we weren't friends anyway.

and if you had died... I would grieve with those you left behind, and for those that you left behind because they would be hurting. But your exit would mean nothing to me.

Now... time means more the older you get. Because there is less of it. How does this affect an immortal, you may ask? Because, when people die... when my friends die, it means I have less time with THEM. See? Less time. It's important.

So... yes, even if I don't like you. Even if I don't know you. Even if you couldn't give a tinker's dam about me - and yes, I know what a tinker's dam is - Consider what you leave behind. Consider those that you claim to love. Because you better do more than just claim it. And the only thing we leave behind are the memories of other folks and the words we've said.

So yeah... this isn't a funny post. This is an angry post, in a form. I hurt for Amber Bob. I've been there, standing there, in her place. Making the decision of ashes or coffin; ashes or coffin; paper or plastic. Tain't easy magee.

This post means, yeah. There is less time than you think. Don't put up with what you don't have to. Be assertive but don't be a dick. Or if you must be a dick, remember where the exit is and use it.

It also means that love, like time, is a fleeting thing. Not because love runs out. Love doesn't do that... it's not the sands of the hourglass. What I'm saying is that those that you love, you need to tell 'em, because you... or they... could be fleeting. Gone in a wisp. Flashed away. Not here anymore. Dead.

So, even if you just kinda love them. Even if you love them, but don't like them very much right now because they did something that pissed you off, let them know you love them. There is not a damn thing wrong with saying, "I don't like you right now. I still love the heck out of you and my world would be incredibly empty without your existence. But I don't like you right now. Give me some time."

Dammit. It's important people. Tell 'em how you feel. Every single day. Multiple times. And mean it!

Comments

[rowangolightly.livejournal.com]

So, so very true. Rarely a day goes by that I don't think of my Mom and my Dad and miss them. Such wonderful people they were. You would've liked my Dad a lot; I know you would have appreciated each others' senses of humor. My Mom, I miss in an intensely personal way because we had a very special link. I have Aunts and Uncles whom I only ever met once or twice in my life and I count that as a tragedy, whether I really liked them or not; they were still family. My cousin Jeff and I have realized how important it is to keep close to whatever family you have left; we're closer now than we ever were before and it's wonderful. it's just him and his brother and me and my sister now, from this generation and NONE from the prior generation; we ARE the senior generation of this family and that's scary as fuck to me. I wish I could have had the conversation with my Dad's older sister, the one I'm named for, the conversation that went, "Hey, it finally dawned on me that you're a lesbian and that you and Rosalie had the most wonderful relationship that was ever modeled to me as a Kid. Please tell me all about it, if you wish to." Wish like Hell I could've had that conversation with her.

I really get you on the wishing your folks got to meet the new Love of the Life, however, I do think on some level that Mom and Dad know about Eric and are pleased. They knew him; he was over at the house sometimes way back then in my senior year of high school.

Anyway, yeah, (not yea) you're SO right; tell those folk you love them every chance you get. Life is too short. Such sadness for AmberBob, leavened with worry for Jeannie and deep happiness for Eric that he doesn't have Cancer.

BTW, love you, my brother.

[ladyegreen.livejournal.com]

Ahh, you've made me cry first thing in the morning after another long, dark night. I'm newly 39, the wrong side of your number 25 where the gap closes, and I miss my parents and sister in Savannah more than I can say. They miss me too and I worry and regret the time passing that I'm not with them because of everything you wrote here, just filtered through my own life experience. While I am one of three siblings my parents were one of seven siblings each which means that I've lived to see the passing of all my grandparents and several of my Aunts and Uncles ( and cousins) and I have a hyper awareness of the passage of time because of it. My father's work also delivered it to us day in and day out as children, that life ends, it ends fairly and unfairly alike without regard for those left behind. It ends with the police checking on elderly or disabled relatives that die alone in their homes, in it ends in highways where my Dad had to reconstruct accidents from skid marks and in the back of ambulances from injury or disease; it doesn't seem to matter much that we would all rather it end politely, after and extended and well lived life, and with loved ones by your side.

It is always there in the back of my mind that every day is one less. My heart hurts for Amber so very much.

[joegoda.livejournal.com]

I would say I regret making you cry, Peddler, dear, but I don't know if I regret it. Did you need to cry after a long dark night? Though I'm sure your Georgia is a lovely place, I don't know if I'd like it there, and even though I love Tulsa, I don't know if you'd like it here, other wise I'd say "come visit and see if you want to stay! There are lots of opportunities here for folks who want to start over." Tulsa is sort of the Bermuda Buckle of the bible belt.

[capi.livejournal.com]

Yes.

Live in such a way that, if ~insert name of every single person you care about at all~ died tonight, you would not be overwhelmed by regrets.

My cousin, only two years older than me, lost his wife a couple of years back. I went to see him, because he was taken completely off guard, as this was only a brief illness and nobody expected it to be fatal, and he was devastated. During our visit, we talked about all kinds of things, but one thing in particular helped me shape my "no regrets" philosophy: he had a three foot pillar thing that was meant for display, and he had a plant sitting on it, dying. His eye landed on it, and he started to cry. First, he cried because he couldn't "even keep the plants alive without her", and second, because they had found the pillar while out shopping together, and she had wanted to get two of them. But he had laughed and said, "Where would we put two?" so they'd only gotten one, and now, he wished with all his heart he'd let her get two, or ten, or fifty.

That sort of thing, it seems like such a little thing.... until the one you love is gone. Until you cannot give to them any more. No, it's totally not rational, not logical; of course not, it's about *love*. So... be lavish in your love. Say it often, demonstrate it even more often, every way you can find, to every single person you love.

That's my story and i'm sticking with it.

[joegoda.livejournal.com]

Which is one of the many reasons you are my lil sis, and I love you.

[capi.livejournal.com]

*enfolds you in the biggest quilt she can find*

i love you, lil' brother. Great big huge. I am soooo glad you found Shannon.