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Sid, Ombudsman of Hell
"You okay, buddy?" Virgil's voice echoed up from the darkness.
Sure. Sure, I'm fine. I'm just like Alice, except this rabbit hole leads deeper into Hell and the White Rabbit is dressed in leather like some refugee from a biker bar. Yeah, I'm just wonderful. "I'm okay." Sid wheezed. "How much further?"
"Hells bells, Sid, we're here." Virgil rumbled from below. "I'm just waiting for you to catch up. We've only gone twenty or thirty feet down. What a whiner."
The scritch of Virgil's lighter sounded and a flame flared into being. Virgil was standing on the bottom step, facing a blank wall.
"Why didn't you use the lighter all the way down?" Sid asked, stopping and catching his breath. "It would have made it easier to see."
"Because, Sid," exasperation dripped from Virgil's voice, "There isn't any place to pick up lighter fluid in Hell." He sighed. "You'd think there would be, though, wouldn't you. But there isn't."
"You didn't pack any spare?"
"No," Virgil shrugged the pack off his back and opened it. He pulled out the Surveyor's chalk, stood up and drew a door on the blank wall. "I didn't bring any spare."
He dropped the chalk back into his pack and pulled out the knocker. When he stood, he turned to face Sid and said, "The reason why I didn't bring any spare is because the stairs only go a short way, and they aren't wide enough to get lost. There's no need for light when you know where you're going."
Virgil turned away from Sid and put the knocker on the wall. Turning his face away from the door to look back as Sid, he continued. "Now, when I open this, there's going to be a whole lot of wind. The second level there's nothing but wind. Those who commited the sin of Lust are blown around, forever. It's supposed to be an allegory showing how lust keeps our lives in constant turmoil or something like that."
He lifted the knocker and dropped it once, and repeated it. Before he dropped it the third time, he looked back at Sid again. "We're not going to be here very long. Just enough for me to say hi to an someone."
Sid was about to ask who, but Virgil stopped him.
"Stop." Virgil held up one finger on his free hand. "No more questions, okay, Sid. No more whining. It's really starting to bum me out. It'll just be safer for you if you don't say anything. Okay?"
Flustered, all Sid could do was say, "Okay. But..."
"Stop." Virgil said calmly. "Really, just stop. Now, grab hold of my belt, shut up and get ready."
Obediently and silently, Sid gripped the back of Virgil's belt. Virgil lifted the knocker for the third time and let it drop. With a sizzle, the outline of the door glowed briefly and then faded. Virgil took hold of the door knob and pulled. He was instantly knocked backwards by the furious storm that blew the door inward.
"Don't let go of my belt!" Virgil struggled to his feet, pulling Sid up with him. Shielding his eyes with one arm, Virgil stepped out into the howling maelstrom.
It wasn't just the storm that was howling. All around, the shadowy forms of lost souls spun and twirled, like leaves in a hurricane. What had looked like tumbleweeds revealed themselves to be the rolling bodies of the damned, pushed before wind. Unearthly screams and moans came from the spinning souls, and any words that may have been spoken were lost in the incredible din.
"Pretty scary, huh?" Virgil yelled back at Sid. "Certainly made me think twice about lusting after anything after my first trip here. And I'm not even sure what that means. Does it mean simple desire? Does it mean lusting in a destructive way? Or would that be coveting? Maybe coveting and lusting is the same thing." He shrugged and struggled out into the broad plain that was level two of Hell. "Beats me."
Sid looked over his shoulder and saw that the doorway they had just come through flicker away into puffs of smoke, which were obliterated by the high wind. He opened his mouth to speak, and had it instantly filled with flying dust. Coughing and choking, he decided that he would take Virgil's advice and just not speak.
"Yeah. That was what I did first time I was here," Virgil yelled and looked back at Sid. "You okay?" Sid nodded. Virgil was wearing a red and white kerchief over his nose and mouth. That was how he was able to talk without swallowing a desert. "Good."
Virgil seemed to pause, slightly as if considering something, but then took a step forward. "Look, Sid... I was kind of mean to you back there. It's just really important that you don't talk on this level. The other levels, not so much." He paused again. "See, I'm a living person. I don't fit here. I don't belong here. You... well; the storm doesn't care if you're supposed to be on this level or not. If the guardians of this level hear you, they'll grab you and you'll be gone. Forever." He turned his head back to look at Sid through squinted eyes. "Got it? No talking, or that's it for you, bud."
Sid nodded, and looked around nervously for one of the guardians that Virgil had mentioned. He didn't see anything but blowing dust shadows and lost souls.
Suddenly, out of the blowing dust, a tall and winged figure appeared before Virgil. It looked like a nightmare from a cartoon about pterodactyls, with membranous wings and sharp talons.
The guardian landed lightly on the floor of the plain, ignoring the battering wind. The twelve foot wings folded back and the guardian approached the two men, tottering on back legs and elbows. There would have been a sense of comedy about it, wobbling as it approached, but the sight of the five inch talons next to the guardian's vulture-like face would pretty much have chopped of any laughter. Literally. It leaned down and peered at Virgil with red and mean-looking beady eyes, set above a sharp beak filled with needle-like teeth.
"Don't move, buddy," Virgil whispered loudly to Sid. "Don't say anything. Don't breath if you can help it."
To the guardian, Virgil said, "Hey there! I'm just wandering out here, looking for my buddy. I think he got lost on the way to the bathroom. Have you seen him?"
The guardian pushed it's beak at Virgil and snuffled, like a dog hunting for a treat. The slits where it breathed in and out, about halfway up it's beak, opened and closed and dust would blow out on the exhale. It's massive head butted against Virgil's chest, threatening to push the man off balance, but Virgil held his stance.
"Hey now!" Virgil yelled. "No call for that. We're all being friendly, right?" Virgil whipped his head towards a rolling soul and yelled. "What's that? It looks like someone is trying to escape!"
With an ear-splitting scream, the guardian launched itself at the rolling soul, who had already gone quite a distance from the pair of travelers. The claws on the guardian's hind legs sunk in to the flesh of the soul and with a cry of triumph, the guardian flapped its huge wings and took off into the air.
"Come on!" Virgil yelled. He started, one heavy step at a time, digging his leather boots into the dirt of the plain with renewed determination. "The guardians can't see worth crap, but they can hear really well," He yelled. "Me, they won't bother. I'm a meat body. You, they'd chew up and spit out like yesterday's dinner."
Sid nodded his understanding. As he looked around and now that he knew what he was looking for, he could see a few of the winged shapes of the guardians, flying overhead or hopping on the ground. The constantly blowing dust was dense enough that he couldn't see very clearly, but it looked as if there was a couple of guardians playing volleyball with one of the lost souls. One would toss the soul high into the air, and the other would catch the soul with it's claws and toss it back. Sid imagined he could hear the tortured screams of the volleyball soul.
The two of them made slow but steady progress across the plain, pausing only to avoid a collision with a rolling soul or stopping to let a guardian check them out. Virgil handled every guardian as he had the first. A bit of chat, a bit of diversion, and then moving on.
"They're not very bright." Virgil yelled. "They fall for it every time." After gaining a few more yards, he gave a small yell of victory and called out, "There she blows!"
Sid looked from around Virgil's back and saw what he figured to be their destination. An obelisk, rising some ten feet or so into the air. It was rectangular and slate grey and it's outline wavered in the dust, so that Sid couldn't be sure if it as natural or not.
Virgil looked back and nodded. "Yeah," He said, "that's where we're going. Maybe she's still there. Maybe not. She should be." Sid started to ask who, but Virgil raised his finger to his mask, hushing Sid. "No talkee, remember? It'll keep you safe."
An astral body propelled by the wind and as solid as Sid's own slammed into them, throwing them to the ground. Sid kept a tight hold onto Virgil's belt with one hand and a grip on his briefcase with the other. A quavery and sad masculine voice cried out "Sorry!" before the constant storm carried them both away.
"Keep hold!" Virgil cried.
Like you have to tell me twice, Sid thought.
"Soon as we make it to the elevator, we'll be all right."
Elevator?
Virgil pulled the two of them back to their feet and continued on the track to the tall rectangular obelisk. Sid squinted towards the boxy shape, trying to discern any sort of elevator type qualities about it. There might have been, if it had been inside of a building. As it was, standing in a wind blasted pit of flying bodies and dust, it was hard to tell if it was an elevator or just a really big, really square rock.
Every few steps, the storm would try it's best to pull them off their feet. Virgil would lean into the wind, yell at Sid to hang on and the two would hold their place until the gale had abated. It was those times that Sid felt that he was tied to a Virgil shaped block of granite, and he was darned glad of it.
Elevator it was. As the two men made their agonizing way across the blasted plain, gaining inches, then feet, then yards, Sid could make see that the obelisk took on a definite boxlike appearance. At thirty yards away, Sid could see two sides of the box. One side, the side that faced into the wind, was blank and ran down to join with the ground, as if it were just another part of the rocky landscape. The other side was black marble, shot through with white and glistening veins. The center of this face carried a line that ran from the height of a man down until it disappeared into the earth.
On either side of the center line the face was inset back an inch or two into the stone, and as Sid got closer, these depressions became the outlines of doors. To the left and right of the doors were two silver squares. In the center of each of the silver squares was a solitary onyx button, about the size of a poker chip, and ringed in red.
When the two men were within ten feet of the obelisk, Virgil gave a great heave and pulled both men up against the elevator side of the huge stone block. The wind ceased blowing, or at least blowing so hard and constant. Virgil glanced at Sid, pulled his mask down and, once again, placed his finger to his lips. Sid nodded.
Virgil stepped away a pace and turned around to face the wall. The wind whipped gently at the hem of his jacket. "Virginia?" he called out. "You still here, hon?"
Virginia? Sid almost asked the question out loud, but hearing the cry of a nearby guardian caused him to bite his tongue. He peered past Virgil at the rest of the wall he had his back against. He didn't see anything unusual, unless you count a freestanding elevator in the middle of a howling demonic plain guarded by pterodactyls with razor sharp claws as unusual.
"Virginia!" Virgil called again. "Wake up! It's Virgil!"
A rumbling vibration moved across the face of the stone. It shook through Sid's back and he could feel it in his bones, making his teeth chatter slightly.
The rumbled died down and it was replaced by a vibration that was... different. Softer, but still there, and to Sid's amazement, the vibration formed words.
"Virgil? Virgil?"
"Yes, sis, it's Virgil."
Sis? Sis as in Sister? Virgil has a sister? In Hell? As an elevator? Sid almost laughed out loud. Why was he surprised? He stepped away from the wall and looked towards the doors, halfway expecting to see them open and a tongue roll out. He didn't see that, but he did notice that two large, yellow, almond shaped openings had appeared above the doors. He wasn't even shocked when he saw them blink.
The wall vibrated again. "It's been a long time, Virgil. Why so long?" The words came slowly, almost painfully.
Well, Sid thought to himself, how often do you hear talking granite? I imagine it would be pretty painful. No tongue, no mouth. Wait, this is Hell. It's all supposed to be painful.
"I had to wait for a client, sis," Virgil said. "You know the rules. I can't just come when I want to."
"I don't think you want to," the rock wall pouted. "I think if you didn't need me, you'd just forget I was even here."
"Now sis, don't be like that," Virgil soothed while he patted the wall lovingly. "You know I moved heaven and hell to get you this job. It's kept you safe from the guardians, didn't it?"
"But I get so lonely, Virgil." The whisper of a sigh came from the rock. "Those stupid guardians can't hold a conversation worth anything."
Virgil sighed. He turned to Sid with a sad smile and said, "Relatives. There's no pleasin' 'em."
"Sis," Virgil told the wall, "my client and I have to go down, okay? When I come back up, I promise I'll stay longer. Okay? Right now, I'm on duty."
The wall hummed and rumbled, as Virginia took her time thinking about it.
"Come on, Sis," Virgil prodded. "I promise I'll stay longer next time. Right now, we're in kind of a hurry."
"Who's your client?" Virginia asked. Sid felt the eyes above the door turn to him. "He's cute."
Virgil sighed. "Every one's cute to you, Virginia. That's how you ended up on this level... remember?"
"Yeah, I remember," the wall grumbled. "But who is he, Virgil?"
Virgil looked at Sid, who just stood where he was, holding his briefcase, wearing his grey suit. Glasses hung on the end of his long nose and his hair was almost non-existent. Almost no posture on this guy, Virgil thought. Probably a stiff wind would blow him over. Still, he's the client.
"He's just a guy, Virginia." Impatience crept into Virgil's voice. "Look, do I have to draw a door to get in, or are you going to open up?" He started to unshoulder his backpack.
"What's his name?" Virginia asked stubbornly. "Tell me his name and I'll let you in." The yellow eyes turned to Sid and the wall rumbled "What's your name, sugar?"
Before Virgil could utter a word of warning, Sid's brain had fired the command to his lips. His traitorous lips had barely opened and they had barely muttered the single word "Sid", when a scream from above shattered the air.
Virgil tossed his arms into the air. "Great!" he said, disgustedly. "Just great." He took a step forward and started pounding on the elevator door. "Virginia, you gotta let us in Right NOW!" He turned to Sid and yelled, "Duck!"
Without even thinking, Sid dropped to the ground as giant claws ripped across his back, shredding his suit jacket. The scream from the frustrated guardian beat at their ears, as it rose into the air, briefly, for another swooping attempt The guardian's cry mingled with Sid's own at the shock and surprise of the sudden attack.
The doors of Virginia's mouth slowly rumbled open.
"Faster, please," Virgil called out to his sister.
"That's the magic word!" the elevator rumbled. The doors flew open with a tremendous crunch.
Virgil reached for Sid with one gloved hand, grabbed the back of Sid's collar and bodily tossed the Ombudsman into the gaping maw of Virginia the Elevator, just as the guardian crashed into the ground. The guardian's claws scrapped for purchase but the beast was caught in it's own momentum. It hit the ground hard and rolled for a few yards, before springing back up, unharmed. The guardian turned it's red eyes on Virgil and charged.
Virgil launched himself into the elevator just as the guardian started it's charge. "Close the door!"
Virginia purred, "Word." Her voice was coming from a speaker set in the ceiling.
"What!" Virgil cried out. "What?"
Sid gulped, gently touched the wall of the elevator and said as calmly as he could, "Please, Virginia, close the doors quickly."
Virgil grabbed Sid by the arm and pulled him back against the far wall of the elevator. The guardian had shoved his head through the opening of the door and was snapping and screaming at them. The guardian's wings, large as they were, were the only things that kept the monster at bay. Soon enough, the stupid beast would figure that out.
With a guillotine-like clang, the doors closed shut, severing the guardian's neck. It's head fell to the floor and lay there. The beady red eyes stared at the two men, who were plastered against the back wall. Even without it's body, the guardian's beak continued to open and snap closed and the needle teeth looked no less dangerous.
A very soft and feminine voice came from the speaker on the ceiling. "A little kindness goes a long way, Virgil."
Virgil, breathing heavily, grumbled, "Thanks, Sis. I'll remember that next time, okay?"
The interior of the elevator was a sparkling white. Clean straight lines and chrome handrails placed waist high gave the room the claustrophobic feel that showed it was, indeed, an elevator. On the right side of the double doors was a chrome panel. The single button didn't display any numbers. It simply read 'Push'.
Virgil cast an evil eye at Sid. "You had to answer, didn't you? You couldn't just leave your mouth shut."
"Virgil, hush!" The speaker above crackled. "He was just being polite. Hmmmm. Polite and cute. I like that in a man."
"You like anything in a man, Virginia," Virgil growled. "They don't even have to be alive anymore. Just male. Or not."
Sid removed his ruined jacket, opened his briefcase and carefully put the jacket inside. He sighed. "Well, I hope the rest of the trip goes this good."
"Not likely." Virgil grumbled. "And the next time I tell you to do something; you do it until I tell you otherwise, okay?"
"What's the big deal, Virgil?" Sid was starting to grow weary of Virgil's attitude. "If I had gotten snatched up by a guardian, what skin is it off your nose? It's not like you'd be stuck here, you know? What do you care?"
Virgil reacted like he had been slapped. "I care because it's my job! I care because I have never, ever, lost a client. Ever. I am not about to break my streak just because some not-even-a-lawyer can't obey one simple request."
An uneasy quiet descended in the elevator while Virginia played soft and annoying music from the speaker.
Virgil broke the silence. "Look, Sid. I know you just reacted because you're that sort of guy. Someone asks you what your name is, and you're gonna answer. To do anything else would be impolite. I know. I understand."
"But here, where you've never been, the rules are still the same, but there are more and more trickier ways to get caught. In limbo, the worse you have to worry about is getting run over by a killer tumbleweed. And even that's not permanent. A few weeks, a month or two, and you'll be as good as new."
"Once you leave limbo, everything gets more dangerous. You, not me, but YOU, are in constant danger of losing your immortal soul to that level... for all of eternity. There is no ombudsman to speak on your behalf. No judge. No jury. Just finality."
Virgil let that sink in before continuing. "You see, Sid... you are the only one of your kind in all of Hell. If you get lost..." He hesitated. "Well, let's just say that would be very bad."
"I thought you didn't know what an ombudsman was?" Sid said suspiciously. "You sure seem to know a lot of things for just being a guide."
"I'm not..." Virgil started to shout, pulled his reigns back a bit, and quieted. "I'm not just a guide. I've been around a long time." He sighed. "Granted, not millennia, but long enough to know that things are not what they appear, okay? I know a few things. I just can't tell you any of them."
"Why not?" Sid's conspiracy spreadsheet just moved Virgil a little higher up on the Credit side. Regardless of Virgil's motives, it was apparent that he had a great interest in keeping Sid safe. A case of "The devil you know is better than the one you don't.", if you'll pardon the pun.
"Because, if you knew everything, you're head would blow up."
Virgil very gently stepped over the head of the guardian, whose beak snapped at his boots. He reached over and pressed the button on the elevator wall. Downward movement of the car became apparent by the stomach dropping sensation.
"Let's just drop it for now," Virgil suggested.
"Why?" Sid prodded.
"Because, I'm not going to talk about it, period." Virgil slid down one of the corners and sat, cross-legged.
"Now, the next level is frigid cold, not quite as much wind, but it's slick and there's a lot of slush around." He grinned humorously. "Kind of like Chicago in the winter."
"Doesn't sound so bad," Sid said. He was still sounding a bit petulant, but had decided that it would all be revealed in time. He already had a piece of the puzzle when Virgil let slip how important and ombudsman was. Sid was satisfied with that bit of information, for a while at least.
"No, it's not," Virgil agreed. "There's just two things to watch out for, and believe me, I'll be watching too. From here on out, I'm going to be in as much danger as you are."
"Oh?" Sid asked. "Why is that?"
"Because I can die on these lower levels."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Virgil nodded. "Oh. So watch your butt, buddy. I'll be watchin' mine."
"Okay." Sid let a second pass before asking. "What are the two things we have to watch for?"
"Ice giants," Virgil ticked one off on his fingers, "who will eat you if they catch you."
"And?" Sid prompted.
"And," Virgil said, ticking off two on his fingers, "ice worms, who burrow under the ground and will eat you if they catch you." He reached into his pack and pulled out a set of thicker gloves, which he put on. "Level three is reserved for the sin of Gluttony. The ice and slush, black snow and hail is supposed to represent the mess they made of their lives because of their constant hunger." He grinned broadly. "To me, it's no worse than February in Chi-town."
Sid nodded, understanding. "Except for the giants and the worms."
"Yeah. Except for those," Virgil agreed. "But just like on level two, they don't have much intelligence, so they're pretty easy to get around."
"Okay." Sid nodded as he felt the elevator start to slow. "So... what are we looking for here? Another elevator? Maybe an escalator?"
"Nope." He patted the side of the elevator. "Thanks for the ride, sis."
"Don't forget your promise to stay longer next time, Virgil," Virginia said. "And bring your cute friend."
"I'll do my best, hon."
The doors slid open to reveal a dark scene. Clouds covered the sky and the ground was perpetually wet. Pools of dark liquid filled areas between snow banks of black. Everywhere there wasn't snow or slick looking water, hailstones crashed down.
Sid was wishing he had brought an umbrella. Virgil, as if reading Sid's mind, brought out two umbrellas and two flashlights.
"Here," he said. "Nobody really expects this sort of stuff except me." He patted his backpack before shrugging it onto his shoulders. "You'd be amazed what I carry in here."
"No," Sid said. "I really wouldn't." Just before the two men stepped out of Virginia's doors, he stopped.
"If we're not looking for an elevator or an escalator...," he said, "and I imagine your chalk wouldn't work very well on slush," Sid nodded out the door at the wintry scenery, "what are we looking for?"
"A hot dog stand," Was Virgil's simple answer and he stepped through the doors, pulling Sid with him.
"A what?" Sid said as the doors closed behind them.
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Virgil seemed to pause, slightly as if considering something,...
I'm thinking you wanted that first comma *after* "slightly", not before it?
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Elevator it was. As the two men made their agonizing way across the blasted plain, gaining inches, then feet, then yards, Sid could make see..... *chuckle*
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Doesn't sound so bad," Sid said. He was still sounding a bit petulant, but had decided that it would all be revealed in time. He already had a piece of the puzzle when Virgil let slip how important and (( an?)) ombudsman was.
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Huh. I was kinda expecting Sid to thank Virginia....
*grin*
Nicely done. MORE!! This is wonderful fun. A very dark Alice in Wonderland indeed!!
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It's a toughy. According to the Rule Book, the act of Lust, a passive sin, is enough to get you sent to hell. Guess we know where Pres. Carter is going, huh?
Justin would have thanked Virginia. To Sid, she wasn't so much a person as a conveyance. I think there should be more done here, tho. It just doesn't feel complete.
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