Nov. 7th, 2004

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Last night I went to a meeting/party at the new mozilla headquarters in Tulsa. Was a quiet bit, just 3 of us. Had too much Tullamore dew, though, and from there I drove to meet my friend Sherry, where I drank a bit more Irish whiskey with a little bit of coffee put in it. What made this night so good was that we talked about my brother's passing. I cried like I needed to, and I know that I needed to. I'm not done, but the healing is definitely underway. She was kind enough to dance one dance with me.. something I just needed to do. It was a slow sort of dance, and me, in my clumsy way, kept way too much attention on my feet. She was gentle enough to pretend that I was leading. I needed the dance, you see, because since jamie died, there's been this really big hole in my heart where he used to be. Sherry, good friend, saw my need and filled it best as she could. I haven't had the strength in myself to give myself the time to say goodbye properly. I don't know if I will, fully. I don't remember the song, but I suspect it was something from Rod Stewart.

I was the one that got drunk last night, and sherry just let me, good woman that she is. I'm lucky to have such a friend.

Some decisions were reached. Some of my own self doubts and feelings were assuaged. some of the feelings I've had about what an incredibly bad person I am were laid to rest. I read a marvelous book by an old friend, and he knows who he is, and I suggest he also publish this one. I read a bit of what he's written recently, and I'm amazed, impressed, stupefied and .. did I say impressed? The maturity of his writing blew me away. This is why I want him for my biographer.

My life, I feel, is about to change for the better. I can feel strength flowing back in where misery and sadness reigned. I just feel very positively about today. Tomorrow may be another story, but that story hasn't been written yet, and I'm the one to write it.

Dearest in ES. I know that times are sucky right now. Keep your chin up, and try to stay positive. This month will be the worst I think, but I really am feeling pretty good about the outcome. Read my palm last night.. money will always suck.. just the way it is. But we'll muddle through somehow, we always do.

Love and Light,
CjB

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