It's just another day.. the Beatles

I spent tonight being in that horribly weird state of wanting to sleep and not being able to. I think it was the 2 cups of coffee I drank right before Batman.. the Keaton one.. the good one. Course, it started at 1:00, and here it is 3 am. *sigh*

I'll try again here in a bit.. so far I've defrosted the refrigerator, looked for lost hard drives, eaten Shoo Fly Pie (really.. I bought it at Roops Farm, and Amish farm not far from here. Took james and tina on a trip), and just sorta did nothing at all. Bein lonely, bein bored. Wish I had gone ahead and went to Eureka Springs tonight. It's Linda's birthday, btw. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Loneliness is not an unusual thing to me. It seems I have been lonely or alone most of my life. Even as a child, my brothers had their friends, I had.. er.. books. And me.. and my imagination. When I was a very young child, I had friends... Ted Bell, the rich snob who did invite me to his 5th birthday party, Dick William, who stole the first girl I was ever infatuated with.. course, she didn't know it. Walter what's his name.. another rich kid that invited me to his birthday party, he was a weird one, though.. had a mock up submarine in his basement.

George McBean was a good friend. He had 3 sisters and a very odd mother. His father died or something. His mom was an old hippy type, very much into the Natural way of doing things. His sisters.. very cute, but I never knew them well.

Tommy Dorsey (just like the band leader). He was a good ball player.

There was a kid who I do not remember the name of, even though I remember how to get to his house. I did my first sleepover there.

Everyone seemed to be richer than us, in hindsight. When I was young, that didn't really matter. However, I did notice that they started to drop off and my friends became less frequent when we moved from 3rd to 4th grade. Maybe it was just the way the world went, I don't know. Maybe it was because I was put in 2 special classes. One for speech impediments (I had elmer fudd disease), and one for slow learners. I still have problems with mathematics. Anyway, in 4th grade, I found myself pretty much friendless. Or so it seems .. I may be misremembering.

I know that I spent an awful lot of time by myself. I remember that I used to go to the library back when libraries still smelled of musty old books and the overheated minds that were pouring over the words long forgotten. I remember that I used to walk along ways where ever I went. I suspect I walked so much because my mom kept locking us out whenever she would have too much to drink. We'd stay out till my father came home, or we decided to sneak into the basement through the casement window.

It seems I spend a great deal of my life feeling alone. I wonder, is this true for everyone? Does everyone feel like they are alienated and alone, even when there is someone in the very room with them? It's been that way for me a lot, no matter the relationship. I always felt apart. Maybe it's the co-dependant child in me wanting to fill a hole that can't be filled. Maybe I'm just too freakin weird to live with for any length of time. Maybe it's just the way it's supposed to be. Regardless, it presents itself to a lot of self introspection.

I have found, that no matter what the situation, I generally cannot BS myself for very long. Sometimes it's just long enough for me to regard what I just did as very stupid. And generally if it's after an argument, I will realize that it was all my fault anyway for not seeing the other person's side.

Oh well.....

Happy birthday LINDA!!!
You are in my thoughts and in my heart!

Love you

Just another Manic Monday

It's almost 9 pm. I'm a bit tired, as anyone should be after 4 hours sleep, but I'm thinking about getting some right quick now. My room-mate Kylee went on a date last night, so hopefully this will remove anyone's thought that this is a relationship. She's good people, and a far sight better room-mate that my previous boring boarder. She cleans, occasionally cooks, does my clothes. She can't pay in money, she doesn't make that much, but she contributes in her own way. I'm glad to have her here.

It was darned quiet last night, and I probably used it poorly, walking around in my underwear, eating with my fingers, doing some quiet meditations and bowing my recognition to the 4 forces. Stayed up way too late, of course.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a very long day. We are supposed to be working in the Casino, getting it all ready for the opening September 8th, and we are supposed to stay there till our part is all done tomorrow. Hopefully it will give me a lot of overtime, which is good, because it is RENT time.

I'm still looking for work. I opened a Seller account on Ebay. My hard drive that has all the pictures of my aircraft is somewhere in this apartment. The computer that it was on suddenly developed some sort of Video problem and the monitor went into permanent suspend mode, blinking green at me and not wanting to do much period. Fortunately, I still have my camera, and I still have my air craft. Besides, it doesn't take that long to build one of the little ones. This is the Da Vinci model I'm talking about. And I think I'll just start looking for things to sell. Maybe I'll make a million.

If you haven't guessed money is tight here, same as for anyone that is reading this. Linda, think really good thoughts. Sherry, wish I could help.. I really do. Tim, gotta job for me? Anyone else I miss, you have my love, but that's about all I can do. I'm bushed, beat, beaten, and though I haven't hit my lowest (that was in Mancos/Farmington), I can see how this stuff can do that to you. I have no idea how folks that make 10 dollars an hour can make it.

Love and light and laughter,

Chester