There are moments...
Jul. 3rd, 2007 02:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joegodaWhen insomnia sucks... this is one of them. I'm not up writing a story. I'm up because the level of frustration and stress on this one day has deemed that my mind not shut down.
Am I gonna talk about it? Not really. My stresses are caused by my own doing, and therefore I am the only one that can fix them..
It's almost 3 am. just bout 10 minutes till, actually. It's a lonely kind of time. Time for reflection, mostly. Time for decisons and time for considerations.
Changes appear to be coming in my life. I dunno if they'll be uncomfortable or not. I'm not sure what they are, so I won't really know till I get there. Just like tonight, any thing I go into exists for just a moment of time, and once that time has passed, then the situation has changed and the feelings pass as well.
This is one of the things learned by being alone for most of my life. Just about anything that happens can be handled. It can be lived through. It's not necessary to have a support team or folks around to lend a hand. It's nice, but not required, and, in my life, rarely happens. So you learn to muddle through, best you can, and life with the results in being the best mud pie you can make.
It's not a case of "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Let's face it. Sometimes life just sucks. It's a case of taking that sour taste, swallowing it down and living with it, grimacing at the hard pointy parts and smiling when the pain eases.
There is nothing that three months wont change to the point where you can handle it. Grief, loss, destitution, it's all included. Doesn't mean it's a happy time. Doesn't mean you'll be happy. It means sometimes you get up, look at the clock and think "Time to make the donuts", haul your happy ass out of bed and just keep on keepin on.
The positive thing, the thing to look forward to, is that there is an end. Life changes. It always will.
There are good times. There are great times. There are fabulous times. They may be few and far between, but they are the times that you can wallet away like a squirrel with their winter nuts and when life gets tougher than expected, you can pull them out and polish them up and garner a small smile or sometimes a large grin.
Everybody has them, these times. No matter how hard the life, how rough the circumstances, there is a smiling memory lurking in that sunshine filled wallet called memory. Sometimes hard to pull up, it does get easier with time.
Right now, to combat the insomnia, that's what I'm trying to do. Pull some happy out of my wallet to spend on this rather lonely and frustrating night.
And there are a few here, truly. Some make me melancholy, thinking that the moment has passed, but the melancholy is not a bad thing, just a bittersweet thing, and even it brings a seretonin increase. Some make me chuckle outright, because, at the base of all of it, life is an absurdist theater, and I've been the pleasant victim to some of it's wondrous performances. heck, sometimes I'm even the centerpoint.
The day was good. I sat in my cubbie at work and answered difficult questions, solved some hard puzzles and sang a bit of Jackson Browne and nobody threw anything at me. But the night.. ahhh the night, unforgiving mistress of the moon. Amazing how just a few short hours, a few tiny words can make the world seem so small and the place you are so cold.
Still, I have those memories to keep the life light a glowing. So it's not so bad, after all. It's just the boogey man, under the bed, adult style.
And now it's bout 10 after three. I'm sleepy, but can't sleep. Good thing I don't work tomorrow. Think I'll do something nice for myself.
ya'll play nice now, ya hear?
Am I gonna talk about it? Not really. My stresses are caused by my own doing, and therefore I am the only one that can fix them..
It's almost 3 am. just bout 10 minutes till, actually. It's a lonely kind of time. Time for reflection, mostly. Time for decisons and time for considerations.
Changes appear to be coming in my life. I dunno if they'll be uncomfortable or not. I'm not sure what they are, so I won't really know till I get there. Just like tonight, any thing I go into exists for just a moment of time, and once that time has passed, then the situation has changed and the feelings pass as well.
This is one of the things learned by being alone for most of my life. Just about anything that happens can be handled. It can be lived through. It's not necessary to have a support team or folks around to lend a hand. It's nice, but not required, and, in my life, rarely happens. So you learn to muddle through, best you can, and life with the results in being the best mud pie you can make.
It's not a case of "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Let's face it. Sometimes life just sucks. It's a case of taking that sour taste, swallowing it down and living with it, grimacing at the hard pointy parts and smiling when the pain eases.
There is nothing that three months wont change to the point where you can handle it. Grief, loss, destitution, it's all included. Doesn't mean it's a happy time. Doesn't mean you'll be happy. It means sometimes you get up, look at the clock and think "Time to make the donuts", haul your happy ass out of bed and just keep on keepin on.
The positive thing, the thing to look forward to, is that there is an end. Life changes. It always will.
There are good times. There are great times. There are fabulous times. They may be few and far between, but they are the times that you can wallet away like a squirrel with their winter nuts and when life gets tougher than expected, you can pull them out and polish them up and garner a small smile or sometimes a large grin.
Everybody has them, these times. No matter how hard the life, how rough the circumstances, there is a smiling memory lurking in that sunshine filled wallet called memory. Sometimes hard to pull up, it does get easier with time.
Right now, to combat the insomnia, that's what I'm trying to do. Pull some happy out of my wallet to spend on this rather lonely and frustrating night.
And there are a few here, truly. Some make me melancholy, thinking that the moment has passed, but the melancholy is not a bad thing, just a bittersweet thing, and even it brings a seretonin increase. Some make me chuckle outright, because, at the base of all of it, life is an absurdist theater, and I've been the pleasant victim to some of it's wondrous performances. heck, sometimes I'm even the centerpoint.
The day was good. I sat in my cubbie at work and answered difficult questions, solved some hard puzzles and sang a bit of Jackson Browne and nobody threw anything at me. But the night.. ahhh the night, unforgiving mistress of the moon. Amazing how just a few short hours, a few tiny words can make the world seem so small and the place you are so cold.
Still, I have those memories to keep the life light a glowing. So it's not so bad, after all. It's just the boogey man, under the bed, adult style.
And now it's bout 10 after three. I'm sleepy, but can't sleep. Good thing I don't work tomorrow. Think I'll do something nice for myself.
ya'll play nice now, ya hear?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-03 04:06 pm (UTC)But it's nice to have a friend. It's nice to be able to share the load now and then, even if the friend cannot actively *help*.
((( hugs )))
*leaving the door invitingly ajar*
As ever.... capi.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-03 04:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-07-03 04:17 pm (UTC)