Late night
Dec. 24th, 2004 02:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
joegodaI walked from Mr. Lucky's tonight. It was both a cold and exhilarating experience. I enjoyed it a lot.. out there with just me and my thoughts, walking through the streets and seeing the lights.
The cold helps me clear my mind.. it focuses me on what is going on, and quiets the entire world around me. All I hear are the thoughts, my own, in my head, and the shoosh of the cars as they pass by.
My hands got a bit cold.. but I have old gloves.. I had 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, 2 hats, 2 socks.. I could have been twins.
I live about 3 miles from work, about 4 miles from Mr. Lucky's. Lucky's was pretty empty, cept some Mexicans playing pool and some guys hitting on girls. Me, I just sat and listened to the blues on the jukebox. I was alone and having a very good time of it.
I didn't start to drink till my brother died. I'm not convinced it's a good thing, but then, I'm also not convinced it's a bad thing. It takes a lot of the pain away, and allows me to forget, briefly, that there are spots in me that haven't healed yet. Long as I don't over do it too much.. I'm ok. I have only gotten right on the edge once, but that was enough that I became aware of my own limitations, so I backed off a lot.
I don't really like drunks.. My family history is one that sorta created that monster in me. I enjoy the oblivion, but not the loss of control. Sometimes I just need to get to that space where I forget myself, and have a lot of happy people around.
However, I've noticed a change in my personality. I'm not as.... whimpy.. I guess. I tend to be more standupish for myself. Not as much as I could be.. I'm not that big an ass. But I've seen some definite signs in myself that there's a stronger me. Maybe it's something that would have happend anyway. Maybe I needed James' death as a catalyst. I don't know.
I do know this: The three days after, I had 2 very good friends that knew my pain, Spock, and took me in hand and kept me oblivious. Now, I don't recommend being drunk for 3 days to anyone.. but it worked for me. Tim and Sherry, I owe you me.
There is a new one amongst the readers of my dreary writing. A woman named Sarah, who just sorta found me. Some reason I can't quite fathom, she actually likes my writing.. so have pity on her and make sure you make her feel welcome.
Her page is at sarahwarafofera (bannanafannafofanna.. Get it?) and darned if she's not a pretty good scribbler herself. Welcome Sarah, to the pack. Know that long as I exist, you have a home. I suspect that goes for the other Long Lifers in my group as well as some of the new ones. Hope you don't mind and can stand some old folks and some young folks with old minds that tend to be a bit.... er.. rowdy.
Ok.. my brain is fuzzy, and not just cuz I don't shave it. Night, beloveds, old and new.
The cold helps me clear my mind.. it focuses me on what is going on, and quiets the entire world around me. All I hear are the thoughts, my own, in my head, and the shoosh of the cars as they pass by.
My hands got a bit cold.. but I have old gloves.. I had 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, 2 hats, 2 socks.. I could have been twins.
I live about 3 miles from work, about 4 miles from Mr. Lucky's. Lucky's was pretty empty, cept some Mexicans playing pool and some guys hitting on girls. Me, I just sat and listened to the blues on the jukebox. I was alone and having a very good time of it.
I didn't start to drink till my brother died. I'm not convinced it's a good thing, but then, I'm also not convinced it's a bad thing. It takes a lot of the pain away, and allows me to forget, briefly, that there are spots in me that haven't healed yet. Long as I don't over do it too much.. I'm ok. I have only gotten right on the edge once, but that was enough that I became aware of my own limitations, so I backed off a lot.
I don't really like drunks.. My family history is one that sorta created that monster in me. I enjoy the oblivion, but not the loss of control. Sometimes I just need to get to that space where I forget myself, and have a lot of happy people around.
However, I've noticed a change in my personality. I'm not as.... whimpy.. I guess. I tend to be more standupish for myself. Not as much as I could be.. I'm not that big an ass. But I've seen some definite signs in myself that there's a stronger me. Maybe it's something that would have happend anyway. Maybe I needed James' death as a catalyst. I don't know.
I do know this: The three days after, I had 2 very good friends that knew my pain, Spock, and took me in hand and kept me oblivious. Now, I don't recommend being drunk for 3 days to anyone.. but it worked for me. Tim and Sherry, I owe you me.
There is a new one amongst the readers of my dreary writing. A woman named Sarah, who just sorta found me. Some reason I can't quite fathom, she actually likes my writing.. so have pity on her and make sure you make her feel welcome.
Her page is at sarahwarafofera (bannanafannafofanna.. Get it?) and darned if she's not a pretty good scribbler herself. Welcome Sarah, to the pack. Know that long as I exist, you have a home. I suspect that goes for the other Long Lifers in my group as well as some of the new ones. Hope you don't mind and can stand some old folks and some young folks with old minds that tend to be a bit.... er.. rowdy.
Ok.. my brain is fuzzy, and not just cuz I don't shave it. Night, beloveds, old and new.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-24 04:09 pm (UTC)Pshaw
Date: 2004-12-24 05:54 pm (UTC)Re: Pshaw
Date: 2004-12-24 08:25 pm (UTC)Re: Pshaw
Date: 2004-12-24 09:17 pm (UTC)Hon, I LIKE walking in cold weather.. 2 socks, 2 shirts, jacket, 2 hats.. I was fine! Thanks for your concern, though, silly kitty.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-12-25 04:31 am (UTC)Pshaw..
Date: 2004-12-25 07:55 am (UTC)