joegoda | I dunno... sometimes the world is strange (Reply)

Last couple of days, I've had a headache. Not as bad as the pain in the leg I've had the last 2 weeks, and certainly not as bad as the pain in the ass I've had for quite a while. The pain in the ass is taking care of itself, the leg is healing nicely, and the headache is taken care of with Mucinex and Ibuprofen. Oh, and dark chocolate.

I've been around a long time, and I've had to live with myself for almost longer than that. Fortunately, there are moments of unconsciousness that allow me to be somebody else, so I get those moments of freedom from myself.

I'm in a quandary. I'm in a position where I'm married to a very strong woman, personality wise, who can take care of herself when folks get ugly. I do tend to get a bit upset for and even have been outraged on her behalf when some jerk does something to cause my loved one to feel, shall we say, less than as perfect as she is.

I've never fought her battles for her. Heck, she's an Ares, and she knows more dirty tricks than I ever will. Even so, I've been tempted. An email to her boss would be nice and cathartic and very, very destructive. Her boss wouldn't be her boss for long because Shannon would be looking for a new job, more than likely. And it wouldn't make things pleasant here, either. In fact, I would expect that the guilt from having caused the issue would be something that I wouldn't be able to get rid of very easily. If at all. I can see the Something Bads just knocking on my door, saying, "Well, what did you expect? You invited us, remember?" And Shannon would not be my friend for a very long, long time.

These are some of the things I think about, when I have that urge to fight her battles. I'll advise, I suggest (and only if asked... See? I'm trainable), and sometimes I just listen and nod and make sympathetic noises. It all depends on what she wants. But I won't fight her battles for her, unless she blatantly comes out and asks. My wife, my Roxie, my Shannonbanannon is one tough cookie, and I have the faith and belief that she knows what's best for her.

So, so and so. There are times when I'm one of the folks I battle against for her. There was a time when I posted something that caused her to belief I had cost her one of her friends. That was an ugly thing that lasted a while, and nobody was comfortable. I apologized profusely, but the damage had been done, and the most I could do was feel the guilt and the miserableness to know that I had caused Shannon pain and frustration and the loss of someone she considered a friend.

The world has moved on, Shannon did not lose that friend, and all is right with the world. Well, for the most part, anyway. See, for me, I know that people come and people go. Those who stay become long time companions and friends. Those who go were going to eventually go anyway.

In my world, I'm used to impermanence. People die, people move, jobs fall away, starting over becomes a way of life. Heck, I even lost a girlfriend because she was embarrassed to be seen with someone shorter than she was. Loss comes sometimes from the most ironically and stupid of places.

If Shannon was to say to me, "Okay, I'm outta here. I've found someone younger, taller, better looking, that has an actual sex drive, makes more money, drives a better car..." Pick one or make one up. Doesn't matter. If Shannon was to say something like that to me, I'd be heartbroken. And I'd be heartbroken for a very, very, very long time. I don't rule out the possibility because loss is a real thing. It happens.

My brother Sam and I look at each other sometimes, the last two from a family of six, and say to each other "It is a bitch to be immortal." That's what teaches you truly about loss.

So, I don't want to lose Shannon. And I don't want to lose my brother. Or my best chum. Or my evil twin. Or the one who has inspired me to write millions of words. Or the one who stood by me when my baby brother died. Or... you get the idea. I don't want to lose anyone.

But it happens. So, until it happens, I'll work to ensure that those that I care about, those I love, those I want to stick around are protected from me as much as I can. It's not that I'm a bad person, you understand. Well, hopefully not so you would notice. But I apparently tend to write things that upset folks, and those folks are, for whatever reason, important to those who matter to me. So, I'm careful about what I post. So those who matter to me don't have to suffer loss. And I don't have to suffer guilt, more than I already carry.

See, it all comes down to 'It's all about me'.

So, if you've felt attacked by one of my posts, if you've felt that I've besmirched your character or caused you to feel less than the perfect person you believe yourself to be, perhaps I need to rethink my stance on what it takes for me to feel attacked. Because, that is pretty much the only thing that would cause me to lash out, lash back, fight on. I tend to give tooth for tooth, nail for nail. There have been the occasional comment or concept that I've had issues with, and I gave myself a good talking to and now just rant sitting at my desk, rather than post what I'm thinking.

Perhaps I need to consider what is really important. Do I swim in the same dirty pool, or do I walk away and be proud that I didn't respond in kind?

Rough choices. Come back swinging, swallow the anger, consider the source, ignore it just 'cuz? Seems that it's a damned if I do, damned if I don't. But you know, contrary to what I believe most folks believe about me, I can show restraint. I can be the better person, even better than myself.

What my story here is about folks, is that I don't just 'attack' someone. I have a reason, even if it's a really stupid reason. But I get it. I really do. I've got someone I care about, and more than just one someone, too, that I want to keep safe and happy.

So I understand. And that's pretty much all I have to say about that. Today.