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SkullCrusher Mountain - The Musical Act II
And of course, all the lyrics belong to Jonathan Coulton, copyright and all.
Act II
Scene 1
The set has changed. It's a small apartment living room, sofa stage left, window above, tiny dining table stage right down from kitchen door, television down center center. Hell, do it like you feel like, but keep front door stage left, kitchen stage right. The kitchen is dark, and only lit with the same bar gobo that is used for Jon's cell in the first scene. We see Jon sitting on the sofa, working on a laptop. The front door, stage left opens and Betty comes in, dressed Betty Crocker Style, apron and all. After all, this is Jon's memories. She crosses over to where he is working and kisses him on the forehead. Jon smiles at her and she smiles back. She passes through the opening to the kitchen, stage right.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
So... you got the girl, after all.
JON
looks up towards the ceiling and stops typing on the laptop.
I did, as I should have. It was a hard fought battle, fighting the social conventions that a geek should never marry a princess. I prevailed! We married. It was a simple ceremony with Betty, my monkey...
VOICE FROM ABOVE
curious
Monkey? You have a monkey?
JON
Before Scarface, my monkey was my best friend, my companion. Oh, Betty was a bit intimidated at first. Not everyone has a genetically enhanced monkey for a man servant. His name was... Brian Dennehy.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Brian... Dennehy.
JON
A name from my childhood, a name that gave me comfort. A strong man, good sense of humor. Monkey seemed satisfied with it, and so it became his name.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
And Betty accepted him as a servant?
JON
There were trials, as there are in any relationship. We, Betty and I, were different people, after all. We had our differences. When things were... rough, I had my monkey to turn to.
Betty appears from the darkened kitchen carrying a cast iron frying pan. She is still smiling her Betty Crocker smile. Jon looks over at her and his smile fades.
Betty flings the pan at Jon, and has to miss. Has to. No injuries here, okay?
Jon
Something vexes you, my love?
Betty
Still smiling, stands at the kitchen door, yelling
You are an idiot! You could do so much better! You are smarter than they are! Make more money!
JON
Now, sweety. We both know that it's only a matter of time before I write that big program, or develop that robot army or conquer the world. Then life will be perfect.
BETTY
You're still an idiot! We barely make ends meet. If it wasn't for me taking 2 jobs, we'd be destitute!
Jon
Now, honeybun. It'll get better! I'm just about to make a break through! And please, watch your tone. You'll upset Brian.
Pulls a large stuffed monkey from nearby and shows it to Betty.
BETTY
Jon, Brian is a stuffed monkey. He's not real!
JON
To monkey
Don't listen to her Brian! She just doesn't understand.
To Betty
You shouldn't say things like that, Betty. Brian is very sensitive.
BETTY
I need a drink.
She disappears into kitchen. Jon stands and moves toward the kitchen door. Music stars.
MY MONKEY
(sung by Jon to the Kitchen Door, the chorus is supplied by the Memories)
My monkey gets busy sometimes
My monkey's got a lot of stuff he's gotta think about
My monkey gets tired sometimes
My monkey wishes he was something you could do without
Cause every monkey needs alone time
To eat bananas in the sunshine
It's feast or famine it's a fine line
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
[My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he's sorry]
[My monkey he loves you My monkey loves you very much]
[My monkey says My monkey says]
[My monkey says he's sorry he's a monkey but he's got to be a monkey and there's nothing he can do]
My monkey gets frazzled sometimes
My monkey has an ulcer and a stressful time at work
My monkey gets bitter sometimes
My monkey's not the only one who's acting like a jerk
And while he doesn't like to name names
And he's not trying to assign blame
It's hard to focus on his own game
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
[My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he's sorry]
[My monkey he loves you My monkey loves you very much]
[My monkey says My monkey says]
[My monkey says he's sorry he's a monkey but he's got to be a monkey and there's nothing he can do]
My monkey gets angry sometimes
My monkey says a lot of things he doesn't really mean
My monkey gets lucky sometimes
My monkey thinks that you're the bestest girl he's ever seen
Betty appears at the kitchen door, drink in hand, frowning. Jon pulls a bunch of flowers from the tiny kitchen table and gives it to Betty. During the next bit of singing, Jon dances away, plucks a picture from the top of the television and drops to his knees. He crawls on his knees to Betty.
He says he'll stay with you for always
It doesn't matter what the job pays
Cause everybody has their bad days
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
[My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he's sorry]
[My monkey he loves you My monkey loves you very much]
[My monkey says My monkey says]
[My monkey says he's sorry he's a monkey but he's got to be a monkey and there's nothing he can do]
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
BETTY
After a momentary pause
Oh, all right. Get up off your knees. You aren't an idiot. You're just a crazy person. Do us both a favor and get that program finished and make a ton of money. Or I'll really leave you.
Jon
Of course my love! I'm nearly there!
Betty looks at him pitying, shaking her head. Slowly, her smile fades back onto her face, Stepford wife like. She takes the flowers and places them back on the dining table. She takes a large drink from her glass and says
BETTY
Dinner will be ready soon!
She goes back into the kitchen, her prison.
Jon
Places the picture back on the televison, after dusting the televisions top off. He looks up at the audience and speaks as he moves down center stage
It wasn't all roses and candy, let me tell you. I could tell, though, that Betty had the utmost faith in me.
The lights fade on the set as a Memory brings a stool for Jon to sit on, which he does. In the background, the Memories move the furniture, spruce the place up, place a rug, give the interior a more posh look. There should be a new entrance to the upstairs, center up. Heck, if it can be done, create a whole new look indicating a whole new house.
Scene 2
JON
Her faith wasn't misplaced either. I found a key peice in some old software, updated it, added my own genius and marketed it on the Internet. Soon, I was the success I knew would make Betty happy. The world was good. We were even talking about having a child.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
A child?
JON
I know! Who would have thought it possible that I, a superior being, would have been able to have a child with the most perfect woman for me? Who, you ask? Me, that's who. Of course, it had to be carefully engineered.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Of course.
Lights fade up on the new house. A Memory comes on stage and takes the stool away. Jon moves back to the sofa and goes back to working on his laptop.
Betty
Dressed as before, Betty Crocker, enters from the upstairs entrance.
Jon, I'm going to my appointment with Doctor Martin.
Jon
All right, honey. Love you.
BETTY
I know.
Leaves through front door, stage right. Jon stops typing and looks up the audience. During the song, Jon stands and moves as the music and words move him. Feel free to move the lights to accommodate. I can see him sitting down front on the Memory supplied stool, Frank Sinatra like, singing to the audience. But that's me. Use your own creative skills and the skills of the actor.
Music starts
Betty and Me
guess I was skeptical when I first met Dr. Martin
He said we could build a baby out of DNA
And although it was expensive it was legal in the states where it wasn't banned
It was Betty who suggested that we skip the parts of me that she can't stand
So we made an appointment and Betty went alone
They worked out the details and then called me on the phone
To say congratulations Dad
Now things are getting better for Betty and me
We're making us a baby that's just like me only better
And Betty says he'll be taller
And Betty says he'll be smarter
And Betty says that our baby will be better than me
Betty was pretty firm about our baby being human
I said we should give him wings and nice prehensile tail
He could travel with the circus making money, making friends with clowns
Betty said that's stupid and for God's sake would you turn that TV down?
Now I've seen Betty happy, but she's never been like this
She glows like someone's girlfriend in the middle of a kiss
And I'm excited too
Cause things are getting better for Betty and me
We're making us a baby that's just like me only better
And Betty says he'll be taller
And Betty says he'll be smarter
And Betty says that our baby will be better than me
And the love inside me thunders like a storm
And I hope the tube they keep him in is comfortable and warm
I hope the nutritive solution that they're feeding him doesn't make him fat
Betty's been spending lots of time out late with Dr. Martin
She says that they're working on the baby every night
And Dr. Martin brings her presents like new underwear and a bottle of wine
I'll just keep on writing checks until the day that baby is mine
He might have my mustache or my freckles or my eyes
Betty says it's better if we keep it a surprise
I hope I find out soon
Cause things are getting better for Betty and me
We're making us a baby that's just like me only better
And Betty says he'll be taller
And Betty says he'll be smarter
And Betty says that our baby will be better than
Baby will be better than
Baby will be better than me
JON
By now, he needs to be sitting on the stool down front. The lights are lowered on the stage, but still visible.
I know, I know. It was a bit suspicious to me as well. It all came to a head when, after a year, Betty was still not pregnant. I'll admit it. I lost it. I went crazy. I don't remember all that was said, but it was bad.
Scene 3
Betty appears on stage from the front door, mascara running down her eyes to indicate she's been crying. She still has the Betty Crocker smile. Jon gets off the stool and Crosses up to her to her. The two of them pantomime a huge argument. Finger shaking, accusations, shaking fists. This should last a minute, maybe 2, then Betty storms off upstairs, crying. Jon comes back to the stool and addresses the audience.
JON
She had changed. She was no longer the wonderful woman that I married. She had become a harridan, a harpy. Unable to comprehend the incredible mind that resided in my head, she had chosen the only path that remained for her. To say I was surprised would be incorrect. To say that I was saddened would be closer to the truth. Betty was never satisfied with what we had. She was always changing, she always wanted more.
Start music. Better. The lights in the backgroud dim down. The song is about Bionic enhancments. Concievably, images to match the song could be displayed on the back wall, behind Jon. This is the point at which Jon starts to lose his mind even more than before. His ever present stuffed monkey will be with him. He can dance as he sings, he can sing to the monkey, he can accuse the monkey as if he was talking to Betty. At the end of the song, he should soften his voice, and sink down on the stage, hugging his monkey, a small boy once again, lost in the world.
Better
Where did we go?
When was the moment that we broke in two?
I think I know
In fact I am sure I can blame it on you
I remember the first big surprise
The day you came home with your infrared eyes
I looked inside them, but all I could see
Were tiny reflections of me
But it's not me it's you, what you're turning into
Is some kind of something that I never knew
You used to be OK and I liked you that way
But I don't think that I like you better
No I don't think that I like you better
You started out small
Some gills and some wings and a few extra thumbs
Now you're thirteen feet tall
Even when you're asleep your machinery hums
And I'm tired of the evenings I spend
Making small talk with your new robot friends
And their stupid insistence on scanning my iris
When they know damn well who I am
And you look like the victim of a surgical crime
A little Darth Vader, a little Optimus Prime
You used to be OK and I liked you that way
But I don't think that I like you better
No I don't think that I like you better
The stage darkens behind Jon. Whatever movement he is doing stops and he retreats to the stool. A spot focuses on him. Behind him, the Memories strike the set, making it as empty as they can during the next 2 stanzas.
So that's how it goes
Snap your mandibles once to say you understand
Now hold me close
Wait, now that's too close, you're crushing my hand
I can tell by that shrieking alarm
That your weapons systems are active and armed
Do me a favor and power them down
Just so we don't have a scene
The music slows down and the delivery becomes sadder, more quiet and reflective. The set continues to be struck. The last to go is the stool down center. The bongos at the end in the music continue through the scene change.
And I wish it were different, but we're just not the same
At least we got someone we know we can blame
You used to be OK and I liked you that way
But I don't think that I like you better
Jon is sitting on the stage, down center, in front of the stool. Memories come and take away the stool. The set has been struck until it resembles the beginning of Act 1. Memories bring in the walls of Jon's Cell and assemble it around him. The Gobo bars of his cell come on, highlighting him. Finally, a Memory comes on and gently, gently pulls the monkey out of Jon's arms. Jon morns visibly.
No I don't think that I like you better
Jon sits, sadly, alone in his cell while the light and music fades out.
END ACT II
Act II
Scene 1
The set has changed. It's a small apartment living room, sofa stage left, window above, tiny dining table stage right down from kitchen door, television down center center. Hell, do it like you feel like, but keep front door stage left, kitchen stage right. The kitchen is dark, and only lit with the same bar gobo that is used for Jon's cell in the first scene. We see Jon sitting on the sofa, working on a laptop. The front door, stage left opens and Betty comes in, dressed Betty Crocker Style, apron and all. After all, this is Jon's memories. She crosses over to where he is working and kisses him on the forehead. Jon smiles at her and she smiles back. She passes through the opening to the kitchen, stage right.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
So... you got the girl, after all.
JON
looks up towards the ceiling and stops typing on the laptop.
I did, as I should have. It was a hard fought battle, fighting the social conventions that a geek should never marry a princess. I prevailed! We married. It was a simple ceremony with Betty, my monkey...
VOICE FROM ABOVE
curious
Monkey? You have a monkey?
JON
Before Scarface, my monkey was my best friend, my companion. Oh, Betty was a bit intimidated at first. Not everyone has a genetically enhanced monkey for a man servant. His name was... Brian Dennehy.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Brian... Dennehy.
JON
A name from my childhood, a name that gave me comfort. A strong man, good sense of humor. Monkey seemed satisfied with it, and so it became his name.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
And Betty accepted him as a servant?
JON
There were trials, as there are in any relationship. We, Betty and I, were different people, after all. We had our differences. When things were... rough, I had my monkey to turn to.
Betty appears from the darkened kitchen carrying a cast iron frying pan. She is still smiling her Betty Crocker smile. Jon looks over at her and his smile fades.
Betty flings the pan at Jon, and has to miss. Has to. No injuries here, okay?
Jon
Something vexes you, my love?
Betty
Still smiling, stands at the kitchen door, yelling
You are an idiot! You could do so much better! You are smarter than they are! Make more money!
JON
Now, sweety. We both know that it's only a matter of time before I write that big program, or develop that robot army or conquer the world. Then life will be perfect.
BETTY
You're still an idiot! We barely make ends meet. If it wasn't for me taking 2 jobs, we'd be destitute!
Jon
Now, honeybun. It'll get better! I'm just about to make a break through! And please, watch your tone. You'll upset Brian.
Pulls a large stuffed monkey from nearby and shows it to Betty.
BETTY
Jon, Brian is a stuffed monkey. He's not real!
JON
To monkey
Don't listen to her Brian! She just doesn't understand.
To Betty
You shouldn't say things like that, Betty. Brian is very sensitive.
BETTY
I need a drink.
She disappears into kitchen. Jon stands and moves toward the kitchen door. Music stars.
MY MONKEY
(sung by Jon to the Kitchen Door, the chorus is supplied by the Memories)
My monkey gets busy sometimes
My monkey's got a lot of stuff he's gotta think about
My monkey gets tired sometimes
My monkey wishes he was something you could do without
Cause every monkey needs alone time
To eat bananas in the sunshine
It's feast or famine it's a fine line
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
[My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he's sorry]
[My monkey he loves you My monkey loves you very much]
[My monkey says My monkey says]
[My monkey says he's sorry he's a monkey but he's got to be a monkey and there's nothing he can do]
My monkey gets frazzled sometimes
My monkey has an ulcer and a stressful time at work
My monkey gets bitter sometimes
My monkey's not the only one who's acting like a jerk
And while he doesn't like to name names
And he's not trying to assign blame
It's hard to focus on his own game
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
[My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he's sorry]
[My monkey he loves you My monkey loves you very much]
[My monkey says My monkey says]
[My monkey says he's sorry he's a monkey but he's got to be a monkey and there's nothing he can do]
My monkey gets angry sometimes
My monkey says a lot of things he doesn't really mean
My monkey gets lucky sometimes
My monkey thinks that you're the bestest girl he's ever seen
Betty appears at the kitchen door, drink in hand, frowning. Jon pulls a bunch of flowers from the tiny kitchen table and gives it to Betty. During the next bit of singing, Jon dances away, plucks a picture from the top of the television and drops to his knees. He crawls on his knees to Betty.
He says he'll stay with you for always
It doesn't matter what the job pays
Cause everybody has their bad days
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
[My monkey butler Brian Dennehy screwed up again and he's sorry]
[My monkey he loves you My monkey loves you very much]
[My monkey says My monkey says]
[My monkey says he's sorry he's a monkey but he's got to be a monkey and there's nothing he can do]
It doesn't mean my monkey doesn't love you
BETTY
After a momentary pause
Oh, all right. Get up off your knees. You aren't an idiot. You're just a crazy person. Do us both a favor and get that program finished and make a ton of money. Or I'll really leave you.
Jon
Of course my love! I'm nearly there!
Betty looks at him pitying, shaking her head. Slowly, her smile fades back onto her face, Stepford wife like. She takes the flowers and places them back on the dining table. She takes a large drink from her glass and says
BETTY
Dinner will be ready soon!
She goes back into the kitchen, her prison.
Jon
Places the picture back on the televison, after dusting the televisions top off. He looks up at the audience and speaks as he moves down center stage
It wasn't all roses and candy, let me tell you. I could tell, though, that Betty had the utmost faith in me.
The lights fade on the set as a Memory brings a stool for Jon to sit on, which he does. In the background, the Memories move the furniture, spruce the place up, place a rug, give the interior a more posh look. There should be a new entrance to the upstairs, center up. Heck, if it can be done, create a whole new look indicating a whole new house.
Scene 2
JON
Her faith wasn't misplaced either. I found a key peice in some old software, updated it, added my own genius and marketed it on the Internet. Soon, I was the success I knew would make Betty happy. The world was good. We were even talking about having a child.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
A child?
JON
I know! Who would have thought it possible that I, a superior being, would have been able to have a child with the most perfect woman for me? Who, you ask? Me, that's who. Of course, it had to be carefully engineered.
VOICE FROM ABOVE
Of course.
Lights fade up on the new house. A Memory comes on stage and takes the stool away. Jon moves back to the sofa and goes back to working on his laptop.
Betty
Dressed as before, Betty Crocker, enters from the upstairs entrance.
Jon, I'm going to my appointment with Doctor Martin.
Jon
All right, honey. Love you.
BETTY
I know.
Leaves through front door, stage right. Jon stops typing and looks up the audience. During the song, Jon stands and moves as the music and words move him. Feel free to move the lights to accommodate. I can see him sitting down front on the Memory supplied stool, Frank Sinatra like, singing to the audience. But that's me. Use your own creative skills and the skills of the actor.
Music starts
Betty and Me
guess I was skeptical when I first met Dr. Martin
He said we could build a baby out of DNA
And although it was expensive it was legal in the states where it wasn't banned
It was Betty who suggested that we skip the parts of me that she can't stand
So we made an appointment and Betty went alone
They worked out the details and then called me on the phone
To say congratulations Dad
Now things are getting better for Betty and me
We're making us a baby that's just like me only better
And Betty says he'll be taller
And Betty says he'll be smarter
And Betty says that our baby will be better than me
Betty was pretty firm about our baby being human
I said we should give him wings and nice prehensile tail
He could travel with the circus making money, making friends with clowns
Betty said that's stupid and for God's sake would you turn that TV down?
Now I've seen Betty happy, but she's never been like this
She glows like someone's girlfriend in the middle of a kiss
And I'm excited too
Cause things are getting better for Betty and me
We're making us a baby that's just like me only better
And Betty says he'll be taller
And Betty says he'll be smarter
And Betty says that our baby will be better than me
And the love inside me thunders like a storm
And I hope the tube they keep him in is comfortable and warm
I hope the nutritive solution that they're feeding him doesn't make him fat
Betty's been spending lots of time out late with Dr. Martin
She says that they're working on the baby every night
And Dr. Martin brings her presents like new underwear and a bottle of wine
I'll just keep on writing checks until the day that baby is mine
He might have my mustache or my freckles or my eyes
Betty says it's better if we keep it a surprise
I hope I find out soon
Cause things are getting better for Betty and me
We're making us a baby that's just like me only better
And Betty says he'll be taller
And Betty says he'll be smarter
And Betty says that our baby will be better than
Baby will be better than
Baby will be better than me
JON
By now, he needs to be sitting on the stool down front. The lights are lowered on the stage, but still visible.
I know, I know. It was a bit suspicious to me as well. It all came to a head when, after a year, Betty was still not pregnant. I'll admit it. I lost it. I went crazy. I don't remember all that was said, but it was bad.
Scene 3
Betty appears on stage from the front door, mascara running down her eyes to indicate she's been crying. She still has the Betty Crocker smile. Jon gets off the stool and Crosses up to her to her. The two of them pantomime a huge argument. Finger shaking, accusations, shaking fists. This should last a minute, maybe 2, then Betty storms off upstairs, crying. Jon comes back to the stool and addresses the audience.
JON
She had changed. She was no longer the wonderful woman that I married. She had become a harridan, a harpy. Unable to comprehend the incredible mind that resided in my head, she had chosen the only path that remained for her. To say I was surprised would be incorrect. To say that I was saddened would be closer to the truth. Betty was never satisfied with what we had. She was always changing, she always wanted more.
Start music. Better. The lights in the backgroud dim down. The song is about Bionic enhancments. Concievably, images to match the song could be displayed on the back wall, behind Jon. This is the point at which Jon starts to lose his mind even more than before. His ever present stuffed monkey will be with him. He can dance as he sings, he can sing to the monkey, he can accuse the monkey as if he was talking to Betty. At the end of the song, he should soften his voice, and sink down on the stage, hugging his monkey, a small boy once again, lost in the world.
Better
Where did we go?
When was the moment that we broke in two?
I think I know
In fact I am sure I can blame it on you
I remember the first big surprise
The day you came home with your infrared eyes
I looked inside them, but all I could see
Were tiny reflections of me
But it's not me it's you, what you're turning into
Is some kind of something that I never knew
You used to be OK and I liked you that way
But I don't think that I like you better
No I don't think that I like you better
You started out small
Some gills and some wings and a few extra thumbs
Now you're thirteen feet tall
Even when you're asleep your machinery hums
And I'm tired of the evenings I spend
Making small talk with your new robot friends
And their stupid insistence on scanning my iris
When they know damn well who I am
And you look like the victim of a surgical crime
A little Darth Vader, a little Optimus Prime
You used to be OK and I liked you that way
But I don't think that I like you better
No I don't think that I like you better
The stage darkens behind Jon. Whatever movement he is doing stops and he retreats to the stool. A spot focuses on him. Behind him, the Memories strike the set, making it as empty as they can during the next 2 stanzas.
So that's how it goes
Snap your mandibles once to say you understand
Now hold me close
Wait, now that's too close, you're crushing my hand
I can tell by that shrieking alarm
That your weapons systems are active and armed
Do me a favor and power them down
Just so we don't have a scene
The music slows down and the delivery becomes sadder, more quiet and reflective. The set continues to be struck. The last to go is the stool down center. The bongos at the end in the music continue through the scene change.
And I wish it were different, but we're just not the same
At least we got someone we know we can blame
You used to be OK and I liked you that way
But I don't think that I like you better
Jon is sitting on the stage, down center, in front of the stool. Memories come and take away the stool. The set has been struck until it resembles the beginning of Act 1. Memories bring in the walls of Jon's Cell and assemble it around him. The Gobo bars of his cell come on, highlighting him. Finally, a Memory comes on and gently, gently pulls the monkey out of Jon's arms. Jon morns visibly.
No I don't think that I like you better
Jon sits, sadly, alone in his cell while the light and music fades out.
END ACT II