"Yeah," Jonathan said. "That's what I thought to." (( too )) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without a doubt, my dear Jonathan." Justin looked down the adjoining road. "To my thinking, they were like sheepdogs, making sure we, the sheep, went into the right pen. Of course that brings up all sorts of questions. (( word choice issue here... nothing crucial, but consider using the words Manner instead of Sorts )) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "That's what I have you for." Justin gently cuffed Jonathan..... (( again, word choice issue: consider using the word Lightly in place of Gently )) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They were, but because there was more light here, from the windows on the second story lit with the late night thoughts of insomniacs to the more prevalent gas street lamps that appeared more regularly. (( This sentence struck me as incomplete....)) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Not really." Justin climbed easily, the years of exercise having given him... (( "the" is an extra word here; no need for it, and it implies that we should know something that we do not know. I'd take it out.)) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "A fake shop?" Jonathan thought about it. "Almost makes sense, if this whole thing is just to get your attention." He pondered for a bit more, stopping at the first landing briefly. ((DANG, one elaborate set-up for such a brief need. The set up that metal elevator contraption and the rungs he swings himself around on and all that?? A LOT of hassle for one single week.... It COULD be done, but dang, wouldn't you rather just get a healthy pawnshop keeper for a gig like that? YEESH!)) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Oh, please, Jonathan." Justin walked over to a small shed that sat off to one side of the monorail platform. "That was one detail that was obvious from the moment we arrived. There were two obvious sets of footprints in the dust on the floor. The newer ones could only have belonged to Hauptman. They had to be his, as the accumulation of dust was very light. Another set had been there a bit longer.
"One shoe print, the left, was distinct, but seemed a bit scuffed on the inside, as if the wearer of the shoe put more pressure on the inside of his sole. The right print was longer, more drug out. It was the dragging of the right shoe that indicated the weaker leg. The owner of that older set of prints had a gimp right leg, and walked with a limp."
Huh. His "oh please" struck me as slightly condescending in tone... not just entirely in keeping with Justin's character, altho a case could be made that he and Jon go back and forth playfully this way in their relationship. Still, it rubbed me just a little wrong. And the fact that he picked all this up inside a pawn shop after dark using only the light of his lantern without stooping to examine it, in passing, as it were... even a tracker would bend down for a closer look. This seems like really stretching things to me. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Unlike one of the main stations, this way station didn't sport any marble statues or fountains, or priceless bits of artwork. There were no fancy upholstered waiting rooms or a magazine stand nearby. (( This is awkward, grammatically. Try, perhaps ...or even a magazine stand, or... or even so much as a magazine stand, or something like that, eh?)) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ah, now Pockets gets to play with his steam punk toys. *grins indulgently* *LOL*
no subject
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without a doubt, my dear Jonathan." Justin looked down the adjoining road. "To my thinking, they were like sheepdogs, making sure we, the sheep, went into the right pen. Of course that brings up all sorts of questions.
(( word choice issue here... nothing crucial, but consider using the words Manner instead of Sorts ))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"That's what I have you for." Justin gently cuffed Jonathan.....
(( again, word choice issue: consider using the word Lightly in place of Gently ))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They were, but because there was more light here, from the windows on the second story lit with the late night thoughts of insomniacs to the more prevalent gas street lamps that appeared more regularly.
(( This sentence struck me as incomplete....))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Not really." Justin climbed easily, the years of exercise having given him...
(( "the" is an extra word here; no need for it, and it implies that we should know something that we do not know. I'd take it out.))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"A fake shop?" Jonathan thought about it. "Almost makes sense, if this whole thing is just to get your attention." He pondered for a bit more, stopping at the first landing briefly. ((DANG, one elaborate set-up for such a brief need. The set up that metal elevator contraption and the rungs he swings himself around on and all that?? A LOT of hassle for one single week.... It COULD be done, but dang, wouldn't you rather just get a healthy pawnshop keeper for a gig like that? YEESH!))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Oh, please, Jonathan." Justin walked over to a small shed that sat off to one side of the monorail platform. "That was one detail that was obvious from the moment we arrived. There were two obvious sets of footprints in the dust on the floor. The newer ones could only have belonged to Hauptman. They had to be his, as the accumulation of dust was very light. Another set had been there a bit longer.
"One shoe print, the left, was distinct, but seemed a bit scuffed on the inside, as if the wearer of the shoe put more pressure on the inside of his sole. The right print was longer, more drug out. It was the dragging of the right shoe that indicated the weaker leg. The owner of that older set of prints had a gimp right leg, and walked with a limp."
Huh. His "oh please" struck me as slightly condescending in tone... not just entirely in keeping with Justin's character, altho a case could be made that he and Jon go back and forth playfully this way in their relationship. Still, it rubbed me just a little wrong. And the fact that he picked all this up inside a pawn shop after dark using only the light of his lantern without stooping to examine it, in passing, as it were... even a tracker would bend down for a closer look. This seems like really stretching things to me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unlike one of the main stations, this way station didn't sport any marble statues or fountains, or priceless bits of artwork. There were no fancy upholstered waiting rooms or a magazine stand nearby.
(( This is awkward, grammatically. Try, perhaps ...or even a magazine stand, or... or even so much as a magazine stand, or something like that, eh?))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah, now Pockets gets to play with his steam punk toys. *grins indulgently* *LOL*