"It was small, but certainly larger than the one he had in his apartment. The counter covered one corner, with the oven and range top being a separated by the sink." ((I suspect that you have an extra "a" in there, but i also wondered about the notion of separating the oven and stove, unless you know a way to do that and not waste space? Most of us women have to be convinced. *L* FWIW, it's not mandatory that you describe the kitchen at all, unless it will be crucial in the story later. You can just label it "cheerful" or whatever, or point out one feature that helps it be itself, and go on.)) ------------------------------------------------ The table in the dining area was simple dark wood, with four high-backed chairs, two to a side. Kaylee opened one of the cupboards and slid thick slices of ham from the fry pan to a plate. ((this sentence does not work; sounds like she pulled ham out of a fry pan that was in the cupboard!)) ------------------------------------------------ "Keep in mind that today I will make breakfast because today you are a guest." Kaylee set about breaking eggs into the fry pan. "Tomorrow you'll be more than a guest, so you'll do as you can when it comes to making your breakfast." She turned to wink at him. "Since you're here for a while, I expect you'll be doing your share." Kaylee speaks here with the assumption that he's staying more than a few days -- perhaps this is justified by the August concert date, but it seems.... like a big assumption. She also speaks like a woman her mothers' age, not her own. She's laying down the law as if she is the boss. This may be exactly what you wanted to achieve, but it struck me more like... someone who runs a boardinghouse or something, and has for years. Kaylee has been thru things to mature her, but i have trouble with her acting like she's in her 40's. Also, i'm not sure it isn't her mother's role to do this. Seems like something that folks would *discuss*, not just plop onto the table like this. Seems, too, like Kaylee would have questions before she'd have assertions. ------------------------------------------------------
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The table in the dining area was simple dark wood, with four high-backed chairs, two to a side. Kaylee opened one of the cupboards and slid thick slices of ham from the fry pan to a plate. ((this sentence does not work; sounds like she pulled ham out of a fry pan that was in the cupboard!))
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"Keep in mind that today I will make breakfast because today you are a guest." Kaylee set about breaking eggs into the fry pan. "Tomorrow you'll be more than a guest, so you'll do as you can when it comes to making your breakfast." She turned to wink at him. "Since you're here for a while, I expect you'll be doing your share."
Kaylee speaks here with the assumption that he's staying more than a few days -- perhaps this is justified by the August concert date, but it seems.... like a big assumption. She also speaks like a woman her mothers' age, not her own. She's laying down the law as if she is the boss. This may be exactly what you wanted to achieve, but it struck me more like... someone who runs a boardinghouse or something, and has for years. Kaylee has been thru things to mature her, but i have trouble with her acting like she's in her 40's. Also, i'm not sure it isn't her mother's role to do this. Seems like something that folks would *discuss*, not just plop onto the table like this. Seems, too, like Kaylee would have questions before she'd have assertions.
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