"Locking the door and taking the elevator up to ground allowed Wells enough time to flex his shoulders and relieve some of the stress of the job. Everyday he held incredible life and death decisions in his hands, and every day he would enable or deny terrible things to be done. To him, it was business as usual. But it did take its toll. He was tired."
I have no problem with this paragraph; i just hope the man has ready access to a hot tub. *grin* ---------------------------------------- "He bid goodnight to Jones, who was a different Jones than the one this morning. This Jones had blonde hair, the morning Jones had black. He was also a bit shorter, and a tad wider in the shoulders. He still wore the same blue suit, had the same dark glasses."
HA! MIB -> Men in Blue! *L* ------------------------------------------- ""You may not know me, Wells, but I know you." A deep breath from the phone. "I've heard about the legendary Herbert G. Wells,.."
AH! Hahahahaha!! *applause* -------------------------------------------------- "A small black car, an Audi, pulled up along side of Wells' mercury. The windows were completely tinted black, so nothing inside the car." So nothing inside the car?? Huh? ---------------------------------------- "He stopped at the stop light at the end of the exit ramp. He made sure the Audi was there, in line about four cars back." Trouble with this is, just a second ago, he knew the car was Precisely TEN cars back; if it's now closer, he'd know Precisely how close. No need for the word "about". See? ------------------------------------------------ "He stopped at the stop light at the end of the exit ramp. He made sure the Audi was there, in line about four cars back. When the light changed to green, he moved through it,..." Grammar issue here; he moved thru the light? No, he moved thru the intersection.... Picky, yes, but..... -------------------------------------- "Wells, got out of his car, locked it, armed it, and walked to the storefront. He stopped before entering, turned and looked back to where the Audi sat. Two young men, dressed in jeans and black shirt had gotten out and were moving his way. They clumsily ducked behind a truck when they say him looking at them." Black shirt? One shirt for two guys? Interesting! *chuckle* And they ducked when they SAW him, no? --------------------------------------------- "A few moments later, the outer door opened and a pair of black boots entered. It stopped in front of the mirror and water could be heard running. While the water was running, he ((the)) stall doors..." --------------------------------------------- What's a snark? Content suggests it might be a listening device? --------------------------------------------
Ah...... this is looking to easy, too clean. Throw me some twists, Chet-meister!
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branchandroot
(no subject)
Date: 2006-11-05 04:20 pm (UTC)I have no problem with this paragraph; i just hope the man has ready access to a hot tub. *grin*
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"He bid goodnight to Jones, who was a different Jones than the one this morning. This Jones had blonde hair, the morning Jones had black. He was also a bit shorter, and a tad wider in the shoulders. He still wore the same blue suit, had the same dark glasses."
HA! MIB -> Men in Blue! *L*
-------------------------------------------
""You may not know me, Wells, but I know you." A deep breath from the phone. "I've heard about the legendary Herbert G. Wells,.."
AH! Hahahahaha!! *applause*
--------------------------------------------------
"A small black car, an Audi, pulled up along side of Wells' mercury. The windows were completely tinted black, so nothing inside the car." So nothing inside the car?? Huh?
----------------------------------------
"He stopped at the stop light at the end of the exit ramp. He made sure the Audi was there, in line about four cars back."
Trouble with this is, just a second ago, he knew the car was Precisely TEN cars back; if it's now closer, he'd know Precisely how close. No need for the word "about". See?
------------------------------------------------
"He stopped at the stop light at the end of the exit ramp. He made sure the Audi was there, in line about four cars back. When the light changed to green, he moved through it,..." Grammar issue here; he moved thru the light? No, he moved thru the intersection.... Picky, yes, but.....
--------------------------------------
"Wells, got out of his car, locked it, armed it, and walked to the storefront. He stopped before entering, turned and looked back to where the Audi sat. Two young men, dressed in jeans and black shirt had gotten out and were moving his way. They clumsily ducked behind a truck when they say him looking at them." Black shirt? One shirt for two guys? Interesting! *chuckle* And they ducked when they SAW him, no?
---------------------------------------------
"A few moments later, the outer door opened and a pair of black boots entered. It stopped in front of the mirror and water could be heard running. While the water was running, he ((the)) stall doors..."
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What's a snark? Content suggests it might be a listening device?
--------------------------------------------
Ah...... this is looking to easy, too clean. Throw me some twists, Chet-meister!