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Can we lose faith? Or are we simply disappointed in how it all turned out? "This isn't how it's supposed to be!" we mutter loudly in not so silent protest as we shake our fists at the sky. Who are we shaking our fists at, if we have lost our faith?

You say you've lost your faith? You can't take comfort in the belief of something unseen, that you knew when you were more innocent than you were last month, last week, last year? You're no longer the spiritual virgin thinking that all you have to do is "Let Go and Let God", or Goddess or tree or bird or frog. Whatever you believe it. It's all the same. Your deity is individualized. Really. The deity that you believe in is not the same deity as your priest, minister, pope, president, husband, wife, master, slave, child, anyone who has ever lived and existed and believed in a force greater than themselves.

IT JUST ISN'T.

So, why do you expect that the things that brought you comfort back when you believed in an different deity (The deity of a child. The Santa type Deity), should bring you comfort now that you've gotten a bit more... cynical. Aware. Awake. Face it, you've sort of left Neverland behind (Peter's, not Michael's), and tho you have fond memories of it, you may very well never get back there again.

The world is a different place when you have a loved one, or even one who you didn't love but feel really guilty because you didn't love them, die. Period. It's the one big sham, you know. Not losing virginity. Not losing your job. Not losing a spouse. Not losing anything that can be replaced, period. Losing a living person that has been attached to you in one form or fashion through that permanent divorce called death.

Or, how bout this? Really living through 9 rings of life that make Dante's hell look like Disneyland, that can also bring about a big ol' soul change. I'm not talking about the day to day sadness and bad stuff that happens to everybody, even though everybody believes it only happens to them. I'm not talking about "Why doesn't he/she/it/they treat me/love me/see me/understand me like I deserve to be treated/loved/see/understood?"

Ask anyone who started out with such hope and has seen day after day, moment after moment of bone shattering pain or earth-shattering disappointment to the point of their friends shaking their heads and asking "Why do you go on?" Not, mind you, "Where do you find the strength?" Those friends are asking "WHY do you go on?" Hells Bells, kids. We know some of those folks right here on LJ or Dreamwidth.

These are the people who could lose their faith. And yet, for the most part they don't. They still believe in something bigger than themselves, otherwise they wouldn't go on.

It's Life what has changed you. It's Life what has shaken your tree. Your faith isn't lost. You're just fighting against your faith because you believe some deep injustice has been done, OR you believe you don't deserve to have that faith anymore.

Your faith isn't lost. It may have changed. It may be entirely different than the shiny packaged faith of bygone days, but it's still there. Beat up, banged up, dusty, rusty, musty, old and full of mold, but it's still there. And it's still yours.

It's just covered up and ignored because you are too busy looking for the hymen that doesn't exist any more.

So... as the man said, you can get busy living, or you can get busy dying. Quit searching for your faith. Cuz' believe it or not, once you do stop digging for it, there it will be, all along.

-The Cynic.

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joegoda

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