joegoda: (chethead)
[personal profile] joegoda
It's been an odd year. Getting used to a new position in a job that I had to take to have a job. It's not a bad job, in fact, it's a good job. I'm having a hard time getting 'into' it. Simplistic, pretty mindless data entry type stuff. A little database diddling, but that's about the level of difficulty I have.

Linda passed on. Sad but not bad. I'm finding it hard to remember a lot of it. Probably shock and grief. I'm not sure I want to travel those paths, as I feel the need to move forward. They'll come on their own anyway, in their own time.

Shannon got fired from her job in B'ville. This saves a hundred mile trip every day, five days a week on the car, with all the expenses that come with that. Down side is we lost the major bread winner, and she's having a much harder time finding work than she thought she would. Also, she's wanting to start up her own business, doing holistic healing in a variety of forms, and has run into the 'I don't know if I'm readies'. She's not. She needs to know more about starting and running a business before she starts and runs. She's a quick study and it'll come soon. When she's ready, it'll happen. I know it's stalling out her search for a job or the appearance of a job for her. The Universe is saying "Make up your mind, and it'll happen." Same for the rest of the world, I reckon.

I've been out of sorts. Still am I figure. Contrary, quick to anger and frustration. Quick to comment on folks and offend.

I was the reason (Okay, so it takes two to tangle - not tango, because I don't dance in a graceful fashion) we lost two close friends. I posted about my views on something and the other party became hurt and angry and decided she had had enough. Regardless of my truth being my truth, it was hurtful, I expect. I didn't have much respect for Kit's feelings or respect for her life choices. Not sure I ever will, as they run counter to what reality, as I see it, is or supports.

Still, I need to change that. We're all here for just a short while. I need to recognize that all folks, regardless of what I personally may think or feel, have opinions and lives that will run counter to mine. They have that absolute right, being individuals and being alive.

Or, maybe I do recognize that right. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm just to vocal about saying what pops into my head, regardless of the consequences. I'll never stick my hand into a rotating fan... again, so why am I so shotgun about saying what I'm thinking? No filters, my friends joke. No inside voice, only an outside voice.

I think that's gotta change. Shannon had a good friend in Kit. Me, not so much and it was never going to happen. Rock meet rock, too much friction, but I did have a good friend in Jack, her husband. He, as he saw fit, felt I had threatened his wife, and being who he is, defended her in a manner the felt right to him. And so, they are no more with Shannon and I. Granted, they are still friends with the folks that are still OUR friends, and this hurts Shannon a bit. She feels a bit betrayed because she doesn't understand why Kit would de-friend her, when *I* was the problem. Maybe Shannon's feelings about that have changed. I know that it still bothers her, though.

I've always been a bit of a bastard. Even at work, where they're having "happiness week", they jokingly made mention of making me the spokesperson. And see, this surprises me. At work, I'm not a negative person. Heck, I didn't think I was a negative person at all until just this year. I've always thought I was a positive person, just with a grumpy exterior.

So, I'm finding the public view of me a bit disturbing. Not a person I like. I don't know if I'd do anything different, though. Take more time before I speak. Don't spread a dissenting view, regardless of how boneheaded and stupid I may think another person's viewpoint is. Regardless of what they speak has no shred of truth to it and this is provable.

Maybe, maybe, it's time to let other folks live with their illusions and disillusions. After all, like I said, it's a short trip from cradle to grave, and as long as their lives make them happy in whatever form of happiness they have... maybe that's enough, and I should leave it the hell alone.

I don't think I can be a disingenuous cheerleader, Rahing on something that I don't feel I should Rah about. I can't get behind a Martin Luther King day or parade, any more than I can get behind President's day or Gay Pride parades. I have nothing against Martin Luther King, I have nothing against the Gay community. I just believe that folks that want to be treated like everybody need to act like everybody else. And the idea that everybody is special means that nobody is special.

Aw well... that's my gripe, and it's not shared by a lot of folks, I reckon, so it's one of those things I'll just put under my hat and bury it in the backyard with the other stuff.

So, short form, I'm 56, my name is Chester Beebe, and I'm a grumpaholic. It's time for a change.
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